there she goes - jschlatt

chasing clarity

the next morning, i woke up feeling the weight of the previous night still heavy on my chest. sunlight filtered through my window, casting a soft glow over my room, but it did little to lift my mood. i rolled over, staring at the wall as my mind replayed the scene outside the bar, over and over again.

sierra's smile, her hand on schlatt's arm, the way they laughed together so effortlessly. no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't shake the feeling of being left behind. maybe that was my role—a background character in their story.

my phone buzzed on the nightstand, and i hesitated before reaching for it. the screen lit up with a text from tucker.

| "hey, feeling any better today?"

i stared at the message, debating whether to tell him the truth. tucker was one of the few people i felt i could trust, but even then, admitting how much schlatt got to me felt like peeling back a layer of armor i wasn't ready to let go of.

| "yeah, i'm fine. just needed some space."

i watched as the typing bubble appeared and disappeared before his response came through.
| "you sure? you seemed pretty upset."

i sighed, running a hand through my hair.
| "it's nothing. promise."

my eyes drifted to the clock on the wall, and I knew I had to get moving if I didn't want to spend the entire day wallowing in my own thoughts. pulling myself out of bed, I went through the motions—shower, clothes, breakfast—but it all felt mechanical, like I was going through the steps without really being there.

as I walked to the café where we all usually hung out, the familiar streets felt different—each corner a reminder of last night's heartbreak. I spotted ted and tucker at a table near the window, deep in conversation. As I approached, they looked up, and ted greeted me with a wide grin."morning, char!" he said, sliding a coffee toward me. "you look like you could use this."

I forced a smile as I took the cup. "thanks."

"so, what's the plan for today?" tucker asked, leaning back in his chair. "we were thinking of heading down to the pier later. maybe get some fresh air."

"sounds good," I replied, though my mind felt miles away.

"you sure you're okay?" tucker pressed, his eyes searching mine. "you seem... off.""i'm fine." the words came out sharper than I intended, and I saw a flicker of concern cross his face. "sorry, I just... didn't sleep well."

ted exchanged a quick glance with tucker, but he didn't push. "well, if you change your mind, let us know. we're here."

I nodded, taking a sip of the coffee and letting its warmth spread through me. but even surrounded by my friends, the emptiness lingered. it was like no matter what I did, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing.

just then, the door swung open, and schlatt walked in, his eyes scanning the room before landing on our table. my heart did that stupid flutter it always did when he was around, but I quickly looked away, focusing on my coffee as if it held all the answers to life's problems.

"hey, guys," he said, sliding into the chair across from me. "what's up?"

"not much," ted replied, grinning. "we were just talking about heading to the pier later. you in?"schlatt shrugged, his eyes briefly meeting mine before darting away. "maybe. we'll see."

there was a tension in the air, one that had been lingering since the night before. I wondered if he felt it too or if it was just me, overthinking everything as usual.

"char, you coming?" he asked suddenly, catching me off guard.I blinked, realizing I hadn't been paying attention. "to the pier?""yeah. you should come," he said, his expression unreadable.I hesitated, torn between wanting to spend time with him and the fear of feeling like an outsider again. "I'll think about it.""don't think too hard," he teased, but there was something in his eyes—something softer, like he was trying to reach out. it made my heart ache, knowing that I was still so unsure about where I stood.

as the conversation flowed around me, I felt the familiar pull—the urge to ask him about last night, about sierra, about everything. but I knew better than to push. sometimes, it was easier to stay silent, to hide behind the walls I'd built.

"you alright, char?" tucker asked, breaking into my thoughts."yeah, just tired," I replied, forcing a smile.

"sure," he said, not sounding convinced. "you've been a bit distant lately.""i've just got a lot on my mind," I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

schlatt leaned in closer, his expression shifting. "you can tell us if something's bothering you, you know."

i looked into his eyes, searching for the right words, but everything felt stuck in my throat. what was I supposed to say? "hey, I think I'm falling for you, but I'm scared because of my past and I don't know how you feel about me." I shook my head instead, offering a weak smile. "it's nothing to worry about."

ted shifted in his seat, and I could tell he wanted to press further, but he simply nodded, respecting my space.

after a few moments, the conversation drifted back to lighter topics—upcoming events, funny stories from last week—but I found it hard to engage. my mind kept wandering back to schlatt, to his laughter, to the way he seemed to light up around sierra.

"let's grab some breakfast," ted suggested, and I nodded absentmindedly, following them to the counter.

as we waited for our orders, I caught sight of schlatt's reflection in the glass. he looked relaxed, confident, and I felt a pang of envy. he was the kind of person everyone gravitated toward. how could I ever compete with that?

"char, are you with us?" tucker's voice broke through my thoughts, and I turned to find him looking at me expectantly.

"yeah, sorry," I replied quickly. "just a little lost in thought.""it's okay," tucker said gently. "we just want to make sure you're alright.""i will be," I promised, though even I wasn't convinced.

as we sat down with our food, I noticed a group of people at a nearby table, laughing and joking. I felt a familiar tightening in my chest—an overwhelming urge to join them, to let go of my worries for just a moment.

"hey, what do you think about hitting up the arcade after the pier?" ted suggested, pulling me out of my reverie."that could be fun," I said, my interest piqued.

"count me in," schlatt added, and for a fleeting moment, I felt a thrill of excitement.but as quickly as it came, it faded. the thought of spending more time with him brought back the conflict within me—the longing, the fear. could I really handle being around him and not falling apart?

"great, it's a plan," ted said, clapping his hands together.

we finished breakfast, the light banter around the table a temporary balm for my aching heart. but as the time drew closer to head out, I felt the familiar anxiety creep back in. "are you sure you're okay with this, char?" tucker asked quietly as we stood to leave. "I don't want to push you into something you're not ready for."

"i'm fine," I insisted, though the words felt hollow.as we left the café and stepped into the sunlight, I took a deep breath, trying to center myself. the pier was just a short walk away, and the thought of being outside, surrounded by friends, was comforting.

but as we approached, I could see sierra laughing in the distance, her voice bright and carefree. my heart sank as I realized she'd probably be there too, and I wasn't sure if I could handle it.schlatt walked beside me, and I caught him glancing my way. "you good?" he asked, his expression shifting to one of concern.

"yeah," I replied, though my voice wavered slightly. "just... trying to figure some things out."he nodded, and for a moment, I thought I saw something in his eyes—a glimmer of understanding, maybe even a flicker of concern. but just as quickly, he looked away, his attention shifting to the group ahead.

as we reached the pier, the sun glinted off the water, and I tried to let the beauty of the moment wash over me. but the knot in my stomach tightened as I faced the reality of the day ahead—one filled with laughter, warmth, and the ever-present fear of losing my chance with schlatt.maybe today would be the day I finally found my voice.