Lost in madness

47

I'm on my knees, hunched over the toilet bowl, my wedding dress billowing around me like a cloud of ivory tulle. The bitter taste of bile lingers in my mouth as I retch, my body shaking with each heave. The cold tile floor seeps through the fabric, chilling my skin, but I barely notice. My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, each one more overwhelming than the last.

A gentle knock on the door breaks through my haze. "Dabe, are you okay?" Chima's voice, laced with concern, calls out.

I take a deep breath, trying to compose myself. My hands tremble as I reach for the flush handle, watching as the evidence of my anxiety swirls away. Slowly, I pull myself up from the floor, my legs unsteady beneath me. I smooth down my dress, check my reflection in the mirror, and force a smile that doesn't quite reach my eyes.

When I open the door, Chima's worried gaze meets mine. Her eyebrows are knitted together, and I can see the questions forming on her lips.

"Are you okay?" she asks, her voice soft and full of concern.

I nod, trying to appear more confident than I feel. "It must be something I ate, but I'm fine," I lie, the words tasting as bitter as the bile I just expelled.

Chima doesn't buy it for a second. She takes my hand, her grip firm but gentle, and leads me to the nearest chair. "Sit," she commands, and I obey without protest. She squats down in front of me, her eyes searching mine for the truth I'm trying so hard to hide.

"Dabe," she begins, her tone serious, "do you still want to do this?"

The question hangs in the air between us, heavy with implications. I hesitate, my heart racing. Do I? The answer should be simple, but nothing about this situation is simple.

"I love Christian," I say finally, the words coming out in a rush. "He's amazing, and he treats Nico like his son. Everything is perfect."

"But..." Chima prompts, knowing there's more I'm not saying.

I close my eyes, feeling the weight of my confession before I even speak it. "I don't think I deserve him," I whisper. "He doesn't deserve to be with someone whose heart is divided. I'd never fully love him the way I should, and I feel like a fraud."

Chima rolls her eyes, a mix of exasperation in her expression. "This is about Andrew again," she states, not a question but a fact.

My silence is confirmation enough, but the words tumble out anyway. "We kissed."

Chima's eyes widen more in surprise than shock. "When?" she demands.

"Last week," I admit, the shame coloring my cheeks. "It didn't mean anything."

"You're telling me," Chima scoffs. "I can't believe you would go and ruin your life for him again."

Her words sting, but I know she's right. I shake my head, trying to explain. "This is not about Andrew," I insist. "This is about me marrying someone else when I know in my heart that I could never love him enough. I don't want to start the new phase of my life with a lie. It's not fair to him."

Chima sighs, running a hand through her hair. "You choose exactly today to be honest? The man and his entire family are waiting for you downstairs."

"I know," I groan, burying my face in my hands. "I'm a mess."

"So what now?" Chima asks, her voice softer now.

I look up at her, feeling lost and desperate. "Do you think I should tell?" I ask, needing her guidance more than ever.

"Does it even matter what I think? You're going to do the exact opposite of what I say anyway," Chima retorts, but there's no real bite to her words.

"Please," I whisper, my voice barely audible.