Crushing (Joshler)

31. Muffin

***Trigger warnings for emotions of panic attacks, mentions of sexual activity, and mentions of past abuse.***

Start the song. It's Up in Smoke (feat. Nicole Dollanganger) by Dan Darrah.

Tyler and Patrick were currently sitting down on Josh's couch, actively not discussing the fact that Pete was upstairs digging through Josh's closet in search of a Nausea shirt he was positive Josh had stolen from him in high school. Tyler personally thought it was kind of cute that Josh had potentially kept some sort of memento from his time with Pete. It was even cuter that it was something so specifically Pete-like in nature. Whether Josh was willing to admit it or not, his complicated relationship with Pete had been meaningful enough for him to steal a souvenir, even if it was just an old t-shirt for a punk band he definitely didn't listen to.

What Tyler and Patrick were actually discussing was less cute and fun. In order to tell Patrick about last night, he had to start with the catalyst of all of this, which was Brendon kissing him.

"Jesus," Patrick swore quietly, scooting closer to Tyler on the couch, where they were already sitting so close together that their criss-crossed knees were touching. "That must have been terrifying. I'm so sorry he did that to you."

There was something about the way Patrick spoke that made Tyler feeling like he was always being completely sincere. He joked around a lot too, especially to tease Pete, but he had a way of looking right past Tyler's eyes and into his soul, while maintaining a gentleness Tyler wasn't used to seeing. His voice was quiet, his eyes were warm and reassuring.

Tyler felt infinitely safer trying to explain such a complicated and vulnerable experience to Patrick than he would have if he had tried to call Mark right now. Some part of him did feel guilty for reaching out to someone besides his best friend back home, though. It felt like Blake was smothering their decades-long friendship until it became just another thing he could take away from Tyler.

"I had a really bad panic attack. I haven't panicked like that since I was, like, fourteen. Josh couldn't even touch me while I was trying to calm down because I felt like anyone who came near me was going to hurt me. I know he wouldn't, but in that moment, I felt like I was in a life or death situation," Tyler continued to explain, feeling grateful for the immediate understanding on Patrick's face. There was no judgement whatsoever.

"That must have been really overwhelming. I'm glad you're feeling safer today. Did you get any rest last night? That must have been exhausting," Patrick empathized.

Tyler immediately felt his cheeks begin to burn, making Patrick raise an eyebrow and be forced to fight down a smile. "Slow down. Let me tell you this first," Tyler whined, already feeling embarrassed.

Patrick covered a laugh with a fake cough before nodding casually. "Right, right, right. I will hold all of my questions until the end of the presentation. Go on."

Tyler rolled his eyes. "Okay, so anyway. Back to my giant trauma-induced freak out."

Patrick genuinely cleared his throat this time, looking serious again. "Right. Sorry. I'm listening."

Tyler smiled at that, tangling his fingers with Patrick's instinctually as he began to speak again. "Basically, Josh just talked to me until I felt safe enough for him to get close again. We talked about a lot of things, but he just kind of kept reminding me that my body is mine and no one else gets to touch it without my permission. He made sure I understood that his house is a safe place for me and that he's not going to let anyone hurt me here, not even him."

Patrick smiled at that, remaining silent when Tyler had to break eye contact and play with Patrick's fingers while he continued. He was blushing even more now.