Crushing (Joshler)

2. Body

***Trigger warnings for mentions of past child and spousal abuse, mentions of vomit, violation of consent, and implied sexual behaviour.***

Start the song. It's Heart Attack by Devarrow.

Tyler sat at the head of his bed, curled in on himself like a dying star as he stared at his closed laptop, feeling waves of dread and nausea wash over him every time he even considered opening it again. The second he'd seen what was on the screen, he'd slammed it shut so forcefully that he was almost positive he'd broken it, but that didn't matter right now. If what he'd seen was just on his laptop, it wouldn't be the end of the world. He could delete it and move on. It was online though, and that meant that it would never actually go away.

He could hear his dad downstairs, singing some stupid song from the eighties without a care in the world as he packed Tyler food for the road, and Tyler wanted to throw up. He couldn't tell his dad. His dad would be mad at him, wouldn't he? He'd say it was Tyler's own fault this was happening, and Tyler would have to believe him because he'd definitely walked right into this one.

Most of Tyler's stuff had been packed up and shoved into every nook and cranny of his shitty little car, just waiting for him to hit the road and drive as far away from this as possible. Halfway across the country should be far enough, right? Of course, that would only work if no one found out that this was on the Internet. Oh god. This was supposed to be a fresh start. How could Tyler have a fresh start if anyone found out about this?

He squeezed his eyes shut tight, his teeth worrying his bottom lip as he tried to clear his mind and calm down a little. Everything was going to be okay. He was going to be okay. If he kept telling himself that, it would be true.

After a moment, he was finally able to untangle the knot he'd wrapped himself into. He took a deep breath before picking up his laptop and opening it. He gritted his teeth when he saw the image on the screen. It wasn't unfamiliar. It wasn't gory or bloody or violent. It was just...him. It was just Tyler, sitting on his ex's bed, wearing absolutely nothing, and laughing. It was Tyler's body and face on a porn site without him having ever consented to being on a porn site.

His ex had texted him this morning with a link, Tyler had clicked on it curiously, and then he'd discovered that his ex had blocked his number when he tried to call and figure out what the hell was going on. So here Tyler was, eighteen years old, a couple hours away from starting the drive from Ohio to Alabama for college, and suddenly he was aware that complete strangers were jerking off to his bare body, commenting on it beneath the picture, critiquing it, and there was nothing he could do about it.

He couldn't tell his dad, who A) didn't know he was gay, and B) didn't know he'd ever been sexually active. He couldn't tell his mom, who A) didn't know he was gay, and B) lived in Alabama with her shithole husband that Tyler refused to acknowledge as his stepdad. He couldn't tell his friends because they were all still close with his ex. He didn't have any siblings, cousins, etc. He had no one. His body was on display for the whole world to see, yet Tyler didn't have anyone to talk to about it. He was helpless.

When Tyler heard footsteps ascending the stairs, he scrambled to close the browser and slam his laptop shut again before his dad opened his bedroom door, peeking his head in and smiling warmly. Tyler forced himself to act natural and smile back.

"Hey, kiddo. We better get you on the road. Are you ready?" His dad asked him, sounding equal parts nostalgic and excited for Tyler as he spoke.

"Yeah. I, uh, yeah," Tyler replied, suddenly aware of how dry his mouth was.

"I'm going to miss having you here. Are you sure you don't just want to go to OSU? You could live here with me for free," he proposed jokingly.