Crushing (Joshler)

36. Primary

***Trigger warnings for mentions of revenge porn and mentions of statutory rape.***

Wait to start the song.

Tyler's body felt like it was falling apart when he woke up, but everything around him was soft and warm. The comforting scents of cinnamon, something earthy, and the faintest hint of cigarette smoke surrounded him. He could barely remember the details of the nightmare he'd just escaped, but his heart was still racing in his chest. Instinctually, Tyler rolled over to reach for Josh, but the other side of the bed was cold. There were tears in his eyes before they even opened.

"Josh?" Tyler asked quietly, his voice sounding hoarse.

"He's at practice."

The sound of the unfamiliar voice made Tyler sit up straight in bed in a panic, only for his lungs to release a rush of breath when he saw Josh's little sister sitting at the wooden desk by Josh's closet. Her bare feet rested atop the desk's surface as she painted her toenails bright red beside Josh's textbooks. She was wearing one of Josh's shirts and a pair of basketball shorts that were way too big to belong to her.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," she told him sincerely as she dipped the brush back into her little pot of red polish. "I should've given you more of a warning, like I do for Josh."

"It's okay," Tyler told her breathlessly, trying not to be obvious when he looked down to make sure he was wearing clothes. He was wearing a shirt and a pair of Josh's boxers. He decided that was good enough.

"Josh texted me a while ago and asked me to come keep an eye on you, while he's at practice. His coach wouldn't let him miss two days in a row before such an important game. As much as I think Josh would secretly love to be benched for the Georgia game, he can't miss it. He would never allow himself to," Abbie told Tyler as she put the final coat on her pinkie toe and twisted the bottle shut.

"What time is it?" Tyler asked, rubbing at his swollen eyes tiredly.

"Seven-ish?" Abbie guessed, shrugging her shoulders as she turned around to look at Tyler properly. Her eyes were so similar to Josh's that it almost felt like he was still here. "Joshua didn't really tell me anything about your situation. Just that you had your first day of therapy, and that it seemed like it was a hard one. He said he brought you up here before noon and that you'd been asleep ever since. I think it was hard for him to leave before you woke up. I've probably seen Joshua cry, like, five times in my life, but he got kinda teary-eyed when he had to go. You must be his person now."

There was a lot to unpack there, and as smothered as Tyler was in the guilt of making Josh cry, he only managed to ask, "What do you mean, 'his person?'"

"It's an ASPD thing...or maybe ASPD-adjacent?" Abbie explained, fanning her wet nail polish with her hands as she spoke. "There are two kinds of ASPD, or like, two subgroups. There's primary, which is the one people usually think of when it comes to psychopaths. They feel no empathy or remorse whatsoever, like not even a little. Then there is secondary, which is what Josh has. They don't feel empathy in the same way we do, but they do feel other things like anxiety and reactive emotions, like anger. People with secondary are better at cognitive empathy, which is basically just filling in the blanks based on what they observe and pattern recognition. Because of that, they sometimes choose favorite people, which are basically people they have a soft spot for and start to see as extensions of themselves. Their favorite people are the only ones they don't lie to and actually allow to see their true selves."

When Tyler didn't immediately respond, Abbie continued.

"I've been Josh's main person since we were kids. I've seen some people with ASPD call their favourite people 'primaries,' but I don't think that's a medical term. I was Josh's only primary for a long time. After a while, Ashley became his second. Then she started dating Brendon, and it was like Josh had never cared about her in his life. He hated her. Then Hayden got the honours for a while, then back to Ashley, then back to Hayden, then back to Ashley. I'm the only person who has consistently been his primary for this long. Usually people with ASPD get bored and have to move on after a little while. It's easier for them to stay interested if it's an immediate family member, especially if it's a family member they feel responsible for."