PUSH ME AWAY - Chris Sturniolo

-8-

Madelyn's POV

Me and Nick walked into my room and sat down on my bed to be more comfortable. I know he is curious about what Chris was talking about, and I know I said I'd die if anyone else beside Millie found out about this, but for some reason I feel a connection with him.

"Before we go into this I just want to say that you can laugh about it, because it's kinda stupid." I said, not even being able to look at him.

Nick gently rubbed my back in a comforting manner as he spoke up.

"Don't be silly, I'm not going to laugh." he stated and I took a few deep breaths.

"I have anxiety. I've struggled with it for a long time now and I tried to find so many ways to cope with it but not a single one has worked. That was until I turned 18." I started confessing.

"First of all, and sorry to interrupt you, I'm so proud of you for being brave enough to share this with me. Second of all, I hope you know you are not alone. You can always talk to Millie, to me and especially to Matt, because he struggles with it too, as you might know."

"Yes, I know. That's why I was in his room. I've asked him if there's any quiet place to be able to sort out my thoughts. Which leads me to the next topic. What Chris said–" Nick interrupted me again.

"Fuck that guy. Look I know he is my brother but he has no right talking to you like that!" he said, a hint of frustration in his voice.

"I know, but I can't control him now, can I? What he saw me hiding was my coping mechanism and it's been my coping mechanism for two years already." I continued as Nick looked more curious as I kept going.

"And do you feel comfortable enough to tell me?" he asked softly, and I could tell he tried not to make me uncomfortable.

I looked at him and then moved my sight to the backpack on the floor, subconsciously biting my lip as it was a bad habit I had that never went away. I looked back at Nick and nodded, giving him a small smile and I got up and grabbed the backpack.

I looked inside it and grabbed the notebook I knew all too well and placed it in between me and him.

"Some people are used to write down their feelings when it gets too much to handle, but when I tried that the first time, I realised that the words I put down on paper made sense with one another, they rhymed. That's when I realised my feelings could be written down into lyrics. In other words, the way I cope is by writing songs." I said, waiting for him to make fun of me or laugh. When I looked up though, I saw the shock on his face and I couldn't tell if it was good or bad.

"You write songs." he said rather than asked. I only nodded, not finding the strength to make the words come out.

"That is...wow I didn't expect that. But that's amazing!" Nick said, making my worries subside with his undeniable excitement.

"You don't think it's corny or cringe or anything?" I asked him and he looked at me like I was stupid.

"Girl, you have been writing songs for the last two years and you expect me to think it's corny. Are you crazy?" he asked as he put his hand on my forehead, checking to see if I had a fever or something.

"I'm sorry, I never told this to anyone besides Millie so of course I don't know how anyone else would react." I said, giggling at his action. "If you want to, you can look inside." I said, making him look at me with wide eyes.

"Wait really? Are you sure?" he asked me and I nodded, picking the notebook up and giving it to him.

Nick took a second to look at me and the notebook before he hesitantly opened it and flipped some pages. I could see his eyes scanning through the pages, a small smile creeping up on his face.

"This is actually amazing, Mads. Can I call you Mads? I noticed Millie does it and I didn't know if it was something like exclusively for her." he said, looking up at me.

"Yeah, you can call me whatever you want as long as it's not Madelyn." I said with a chuckle as he smiled and kept reading. His eyebrows furrowed as he flipped yet another page. I knew why, because I had marked those pages for a reason. "Blue" and "Noose" were written there...

"I was always blue behind the
Red bloodstain on my lips
You were always green with envy
Saw right through the tenderness.." Nick read, slowly frowning. He skipped over the rest of 'Blue' and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was now reading 'Noose'.

"Pinching myself so I feel alive
Knife in my hand, murder on my mind
They can't hurt me when I die
They can't hurt me when I die
Cut myself deep, I wanna see the blood
One hand holding yours, my other holds a gun
They can't hurt me when I cry
They can't hurt me when I cry.." He said out loud what I had written on that page and looked at me with nothing but sadness in his eyes.

Nick closed the notebook and gave it to me, rubbing his eyes and speaking up shortly after.

"Madi sweetie, is everything okay?" he asked me with concern in his voice.

*tw: abuse*

"It is now, but back then I was in a rough place. You see..." I stopped to take a deep breath since opening up was never my thing. "Back in New York I was dating this guy, Jacob. But the relationship was horrible. There were lies, there were fights, a lot of them and..." I stopped to compose myself because I could feel the tears forming. "And there was violence. It got abusive. Mentally and physically. He was abusive, Nick! And it went on for so long! I was scared to leave him because I knew that if I even brought up a potential breakup, he'd hit me. There were too many times he got violent with me, so I ended up locking myself in a room and writing. So I kept doing that. That's how 'Blue' and 'Noose' were made. One day he found out I've been writing about my experiences so he made me give him the notebook so he could burn it. Luckily he was stupid and didn't question anything when I gave him a fake one. But those times stuck with me and I believe it will always be there with me no matter how hard I try to get rid of it." I finished my story, only now feeling the streaks of tears on my face.

*end of tw*

Nick had his jaw dropped, and it's not surprising after all the trauma I dumped on him, but he managed to speak.

"Madi, for how long did you have to endure that?" he asked me. I looked at him and whispered my answer, not being able to speak up.

"Tw-two years." I muttered and he wasted no time by saying anything else.

He just wrapped his hands around me, holding me tight to his chest, whispering in my ear that he is and will always be there for me. Telling him was painful, but at the same time it felt good telling someone else about it, especially someone as supportive as Nick.

author note
holy shittt bring out the tissues
we got a little bit of backstory on our dear Madelyn

remember that if you ever need to vent to someone, I will always be here and happy to help in any way I could
-take care you guys,
T <3