Neutrino Blues

Chapter XIII

ROAD TRIP

Matty

Feels so great to be driving my black 1973 AMC Javelin again. Haven't driven it since the accident and I'm actually surprised that I handle it so well. Why wouldn't I? It was Jimbo who totaled Testarossa, not me. I feel safe when I drive and he's not getting behind this wheel, oh no. Fortunately he didn't even ask so he saved us a potentially uncomfortable exchange. He didn't suggest we drove his Chevy van either, so no problems at all. Well, apart from him being so lifeless, that is.

Feels like I'm driving with cargo and not a person. He sat at the back right away and hasn't spoken once. I'm trying to go easy on him so I don't play or sing unless I really have to. When the sickness kicks in somewhere in the middle of my abdomen and starts spreading all over my body like wildfire, I put on my harmonica stand and play some tunes. When there's nothing much happening on the road I strum the guitar with my right hand and sing to it. I also took some bongo drums with me but I don't play them, I don't know why. I think it would feel sort of like betrayal, to play Jimbo's core instrument right in front of him to make him sick, double sick actually – sick with the sound and sick with longing for it. I imagined it would be like my perverse nightmares with stride piano, making me sick with what I love. That's why I'm not playing these drums. I guess I only took them for him, to see if anything changed, like a tester. He wasn't talking so maybe at some point he would play something, anything to let me know that his heart was still beating and pumping blood through his veins.

I slept surprisingly well today. It was probably the first nightmare-free slumber since the Italian adventure. Surprise and relief were competing for my attention and I just don't know which of them I felt more. I had a beautiful dream where I was flying with gulls over a haven and admiring the sweeping view of clear blue sky in front of me and a body of water underneath. It didn't look like Chicago harbor but it was similar. I don't really know whether I was a gull too or just accompanying them in my astral body but it felt so awesome and free! I still have this blissful feeling in me and I'm hoping to keep it at least till the end of the trip. Excitement keeps me awake and there's hardly any traffic at night. Wonderful.

We stopped for food and I'm doing my best to cheer Jimbo up. He cooperates and does his best to stay positive. It's so moving I want to get up and hug him but I resist this outburst. Maybe what's so heart wrenching here is our disability to interact like normal human beings; without music we're nothing. Maybe we're the same kids we were back in high school but now without music we can see our disabilities in a new light, for what they really are, what we are and what we're not. I made a decision that it's not going to bring me down so I stopped thinking about that. I have to stay cool and positive for the both of us.

I was relieved when Jimbo fell asleep. At least it's a natural thing to do, he seems more human this way. Also, his silence is now justified. I'm chain smoking and knocking back coffee to go through the small hours. My body is used to being awake at night but driving, however awesome, is more tiring than playing the piano at home. I was planning to drive nonstop until we reached our destination but when we were getting closer I realized it wasn't such a good idea. The old truth I learned while touring the country came to mind – better just a little sleep than none. I remembered the slo mo I was experiencing whenever I had a sleepless night and now was not the time. Now I had to be as fit as possible for the incredible day ahead. It had been bright for a couple of hours already when my eyeballs were getting dry and itchy so I pulled over at a rest area and put my head next to instruments on the passenger seat. We were really close already and I dozed off.

I don't know how long was I out but it was Jimbo who woke me. He had to go to the restroom and Javelin got doors only up front. I sort of blocked his way but it was for the best because I didn't want to sleep long. It was still early and the day was ahead of us. Jimbo must've been psyched as well because he seemed more alive than usual. The trip itself must've done him good, not to mention the prospect of being normal again.