Neutrino Blues

Chapter XIV

FREAKS UNITED

Ashley

This has been the craziest day of my life and it's still only morning. What's going to happen next I dare not ask. Yolo ding dong mother fucker! I'm so much better at keeping things to myself now, my inhibition being stronger and all, but those things that want out stay in me and cause mischief. Poker face it is. Rule number one – before you say or do something, ask yourself if it's a good idea. Ask yourself before you let it out, to avoid shame and consternation. Tourette's management mode on.

I still can't believe that Oliver is dead. How could I not know? What kind of a cretin sets off on a trip like this without checking the basic information? Actually, it's not that I don't believe that he's dead; he was old and everybody dies someday. What I can't believe is my lack of preparation, research and foresight.

What I can't believe even more is that Mojo came here as well! I haven't been to their gigs but I've seen their videos so I'm sure it's them. I'm pretending not to notice them but really I'm watching and wondering what could they be doing in here. The receptionist beckoned in my direction and then they looked at me with great interest. What the hell did you tell them about me? I guess it's already started. Now she's going to tell everyone about an idiot girl who came looking for a doctor who was already dead. She can't even wait until I leave! A little decency, sister, don't be so rude. I can't hear you but I see what you're doing.

They're coming here. What the hell do they want? Make fun of me? I'm pretending not to notice them until they stand right in front of me saying nothing but staring intensely. I look up slowly to confront their stares and to manifest that I'm alive and have to be reckoned with. Do your worst, I'm leaving anyway.

- Ummm... hi! Are you... looking for doctor Sacks too?

What does he mean by too? Who else is looking for Oliver? Strategically I keep silent.

- I'm Matty and this is Jimbo. We came all the way from Chicago to see doctor Sacks and... he's not here. Funny.

Now he's totally making fun of me. I want to leave but it would be such an easy victory, Matty boy. I'll stay. You can't possibly tell me anything worse that I already heard from my own self. Do your worst and let me be.

- I read about him in Musicophilia.

Now that is something this receptionist doesn't know. At least she hasn't heard it from me. How can he know it's there? Because he read it, dummy. Oliver Sacks' books sell, sell, sell.

- Me too.

I replied not to be rude, but he's startled by my response like a child whose balloon has just blown out with a loud bang.

- Really?

I don't know why you're so surprised, Matt. I can read, you know. Do I look retarded to you? Well, maybe you're just making conversation so I'll be polite and keep it going but at the same time think of taking my leave in a way which would seem natural and not forced by shame and all this attention. I'm a master of camouflage, or so I kid myself.

- Yeah.

Not the best conversationalist, me. Not a person of letters but sounds and I think you know something about it. Maybe you're the same. You seem to struggle with every word like you lived in a cave all your life and today is your first day among people, so let's drop it.

- A similar case to mine is described in the book so I figured Oliver might help me as well but... yeah.

So that's why you're here! I'm so relieved. You aren't talking to me to make fun of me but to sympathize. You must also feel totally stupid and confused, poor thing. You've just lost your hope and made a fool of yourself at that. Don't you worry, we'll deal with this together.