Neutrino Blues

Chapter XVII

FULL CIRCLE

Matty

Ashtray Girl and I are getting along really well and I finally summoned enough confidence and courage to ask her the question that's been on my mind long before I met her in New York. Something doesn't add up and I need clarification.

- How come you've never been on the road?

She seems to be taken aback like the notion hasn't occurred to her. Come on, girl – you know you've got it in you. Why don't you make use of it?

- I don't think I'm special.

No way you really mean that. You're more special than me and Jimbo altogether. What's going on here?

- So you just play in one club?

- That's right.

I have an impression that I've had this conversation before. Impossible. Fucking deja vu screwing with you. I chase the feeling away and press on.

- You could become more famous and make more money if you went on tour.

She gave me an impassive look and a cursory answer.

- I got all I need.

Wait... what? Silas, is that you? I was right that this conversation already happened! That night when I played my grandpa opus nine number one for the first time! I asked him the same questions and he gave me the same answers. I feel dizzy and need to crack the window for fresh air. God damn! I came full circle and am a little boy again. This girl is like my beloved grandfather Silas! Incredibly talented but humble to the bone. She plays in one club instead of going round the world with her gift.

I have to take a couple of deep breaths and reassess the situation. Maybe they're both right, maybe fame is fool's gold indeed and I'm an idiot chasing it. First my grandpa and now her. They're messengers, there are no accidents. Now I'm ready to listen and I want to follow through. I'm so lucky I've met you, Ashley, and now we have to stick together. If not, then I'll be following you forever anyway. Already I'm your biggest fan. You are my destiny and I tremble with this realization. Who would have thought?

The challenge now is to make her want to stay with me, in any capacity. I can't afford to lose her. Nothing else matters. I can't be thinking what she thinks of me, whether she considers me a loser or what, none of that theory of mind bullshit now. I can't think at all. There's only here and now. Go on, ask her. Even if she says no, at least you'll know that you've tried. Go on, man. Ask. Her. Now.

- Maybe we should play together?

She looked at me and I felt my cheeks burn bright red. Not very suave, Matt, are you. Go on, clarify. She doesn't seem to know what you mean.

- Like in a band or something.

That's even worse. Give me a fucking break! I'm a man of sounds, not letters. Poor excuse for a big boy like you.

- Guess so.

She fucking hates me and wants nothing to do with me. Guess so after a painfully long pause means the same as beat it but in polite terms. I'm screwed.

- I think it's a great idea. It's just like my first time so... I had to think about it.

Really? Do you mean that? Do you really mean that? She seems genuine so there is hope! And don't you worry about this being your first time, girl. Everything I do with you is the first time to me.

- Ding dong!

- Who's there?

We laughed and the tension was gone. I really love this Tourette's thing about her. Maybe I'm sick but... It turns me on. It's really sexy. I wonder if she does those Tourette's things in bed as well... but I can't think of it now or she'll know. Can't ask her either or she'd jump out of the moving car. Maybe one day I'll find out!