Neutrino Blues

Chapter XVIII

GROUND ZERO

Ashley

I wanted to call Jenny as soon as I got home but fortunately I realized what time it was. Phew. I couldn't relate to what I was seeing on the clock, it didn't feel this way. It was like the middle of the night but I wasn't sleepy at all. Time flies when you're in good company.

Jimbo proved to be useful once again, even though he had returned from the silent-silent land. He saved me an awkward moment when we pulled over in front of my house. What would I have done if I and Matty had been alone? What should I have done? Kiss him good night? Invite him in? And then do what? Total lack of experience in such situations. Things like that just... never happened before. I've never even been on a date, come to think of it. Yes, I know this wasn't a proper date either but it felt more like one than anything I've ever done with men. Maybe that's it – I've never dated boys, only men. Everything was swift and mechanical with them, not a shade of romance. Apart from the times when they were drugged up. What a stupid cow I was. Having no experience with drugs, I had no idea the guys acted like they loved me because they were high. Once I realized that, I took interest in drugs but only from a theoretical point of view; I wanted to know how they influence people and what kind of behavior they induce. I wanted to be able to tell who's on drugs simply to avoid these people. Fucking meow I can't stand their lies. Pathetic.

Matty doesn't look like someone who does drugs but I didn't stop there. I manipulated the conversation into that area to make him tell me the truth without him knowing that I was doing this on purpose. I need to know. I already have feelings for him and I don't want to be disappointed. I'm not. He said his only drugs are cigarettes. I believe him. Maybe I shouldn't, but I do. There is something fundamentally different about him and I want to know more. It felt like we were driving a time machine, like we were both in high school again. Maybe my mistake had been hanging out with older people all the time and willing to be so adult; I hadn't realized what I was missing and that now there is a hole in my growing up.

Isn't that the point of a relationship? To see yourself in another person, to learn about yourself through them and vice versa? To complement each other? Together create something that would never come into existence otherwise? How can I know? I've never had anything like it. I dug up old diaries from the bottom drawer in my desk and began reading. Tears welled up in my eyes as I was turning those pages covered with my high-school, unrefined handwriting and I felt like I was still there, feeling those things and thinking those thoughts. There is a part of me which is dormant; I put it to sleep such a long time ago I forgot it even existed. I thought it was a folly, I assumed it was wrong, I just wanted to be an adult. I was running toward adulthood so fast and carelessly I never even realized I stumbled and fell never to recover again. This girl is still there, lying on the floor in oblivion. I trampled her in my pursuit of maturity but never realized that growing up means more than just growing old.

I lost track of time and must've fallen asleep wallowing in the inner tumult that Matty brought back to life. I woke up on my bed fully clothed surrounded by diaries, photos and nostalgic gadgets. My bed looks like a shrine prepared for channeling with spirits long deprived of physical bodies but still lingering around us. When I came to and remembered that we meet again today, I felt excitement growing in me which I tried to stop. Why are you doing this? I don't want to be hurt again. So stop hurting your own self. What if he turns out to be like everybody else? Now is not the time to think but to feel. What do you feel?

I got up and switched on the music I loved back in high school. A wave of nostalgia swept through me like electricity and I didn't try to stop it. I lit up a cigarette and let the feeling unfold. What do I have to lose? Only time, and I can't afford to lose any more of that. I stuck the cigarette between my lips and started rummaging in my clothes. What should I wear tonight? A jam session, a gig... and then what? Have to be ready for anything. I need to look good and feel comfortable. I looked into a drawer with my underwear and started taking all my panties out to have a closer look at them. Yes, I know all of them but have to see them to make an informed decision. Not too slutty, not too Amish - they have to be just right for the occasion. And what occasion is that? I don't want to look presumptuous or neglected either. Casual. I'll go for casual. But not too casual. How about those black lace panties? No, not today. I don't want him to see me for the first time wearing those. If he gets to see me at all, that it. Thongs? Definitely no. How about black velvet panties, then? Yes, it's a good idea. Look good, feel good and cover enough but not too much. Perfect. I can't linger too long or I'll not get dressed at all. Now I need a matching bra. Yes, a matching one, I don't want to look like a bum. I'm tempted to wear a push-up bra but it's risky; he might be disappointed when he sees me without it. He might have some unrealistic expectations and I definitely don't want to be a bummer if he gets to see me naked. Can't be self-conscious, it doesn't help. No unrealistic expectations. I usually wear a sports bra for my gigs to be able to go crazy in a comfortable manner, but not today. Can't go too crazy at all because I don't want to stink. Velvet, simple, black bra it is. I like how I look in it and it's comfortable. Deal.