whole ➳ remadora

Chapter Five

Remus

Nymphadora followed me outside the library. I wasn't sure what I was going to tell her, but I needed to feel her warm presence around me. We entered the first classroom we found, it was sort of a mess but it was enough. She examined the room, sat on the teachers desk then looked at me. "So, what is that thing you wanted to tell me?" She said, rather quietly.

"I don't know exactly." I thought about the werewolf thing, but I wasn't brave enough to tell her. I thought about my feelings for her, but I wasn't brave enough to tell her. I thought about everything going on, and I knew I wasn't brave enough to tell her anything.

Not really knowing why, I walked over to her and wrapped my arms tightly around her little body. She was taken back but her arms were instantly around me and her legs were wrapped around my torso, pulling me closer. I felt myself cry, as the tears fell on her shoulders. She rubbed my back, as I sobbed more. I heard her cry too, but I knew that I didn't need to say anything. She made me feel warm, safe, whole.

When I stopped sobbing, I pulled away, a bit embarrassed. She grabbed me from my collar gently and moved her fingertips underneath my eyes, drying the tears, a tiny smile on her lips. I put my hand on her left cheek and rubbed gently. I wasn't sure what was really happening, but I enjoyed it and I bet she enjoyed it too. She leaned in to hug me again, and I couldn't help but kiss her forehead and let my fingers between her pink soft hair. Her hands were clutched to my shirt and her head was on my chest. I noticed her hair turn into wine red, and I remembered that one time when we were little kids; I knew it was a good feeling.

When we broke apart, I felt myself lean in. I wanted to kiss her plump lips so hard, I knew I shouldn't but I couldn't help it. I lost it. My hand held the back of her head as I leaned in until I felt her hot breathe on my lips. Then I found myself kissing her. Everything around us kind of collapsed; I didn't care that I was a werewolf or that I'm too dangerous, I only wanted to feel her lips on mine forever. I didn't let go of her lips until I felt breathless. My hand was still holding the back of her head as she stared into my eyes, I've always lost myself into them.

But then it hit me, I kissed her. Guilt washed over me as I looked at her pure self. She was so beautiful. She deserved somebody whole, somebody clean, somebody worthy. I found my self stumbling backwards until I hit a desk, tears rushing and burning my eyes. She stood up and made little steps towards me.

"Is everything okay?" She whispered.

"This should have not happened." I muttered, feeling my eyes burn with more tears as I saw the look on her face. I was directing the door when she spoke, crying.

"Why Remus? Why do you do this? Why do you want me to suffer? Why do you want me to feel awful all the time? Why do you want me to be depressed?" She sobbed, standing in the middle of room.

"Of course I don't want that, you don't understand-"

"Then I want to understand!" She yelled, her voice cracky and her sobs making everything worse for me.

"I can't tell you, Nymphadora, I'm too dangerous. I'm doing all this to keep you safe, trust me you'll thank me." I said, feeling hot tears escape my eyes.

"You are not dangerous to anyone Remus! You wouldn't hurt a fly for God's sake!" She angrily shouted again between her sobs, her hair turning light brown; I never saw this before.

"One day you'll know what I mean by dangerous." I whispered as I cried.

"You are being stupid." She sobbed, leaning on the desk. Her sobs literally ripped my heart into pieces, but it's the best for her.

"Do you think I don't want this? Do you think I enjoy seeing other guys flirt with you? Do you think I enjoy watching you suffer because of me? Do you think I don't suffer too?" I shouted, feeling more tears brim down my face.

"No Remus, but you're making it harder on us." She suddenly went more quiet, although tears sparkled on her cheeks.

"I'm no good to anyone, you need to realize this." I started again, but she groaned.

"I don't fucking care, Remus! I don't give a shit if I'm going to be in danger, I don't care!" She yelled in anger, but her hair was still brown.

"But I do! I care! I can't let you die because of me!" I sobbed, shouting. Nymphadora shook her head, tears still falling down her face.

"I don't understand you anymore." She whispered, getting out of the room.

"Nymphadora please!" I followed her but she already disappeared between the hallways. I banged the desk with my leg several times, screaming until Lily Evans entered the room.

"Remus, stop!" She yelled, entering the room.

"Lily." I whispered and fell into her arms, crying silently. She hugged me and rubbed my back until the tears stopped streaming, "Shh." She whispered. "It's okay, it's okay. Calm down."

"What brought you here?" I sniffed, rubbing my eyes.

"I saw Tonks crying and I thought it maybe had something to do with you." She shrugged leaning on one of the desks.

"It does." I shrugged, sitting on the desk opposite her.

"What the fuck did you do this time?" She asked. I glared at her but she merely laughed, "Sorry."

"We kissed." I whispered, not believing the words.

"Merlin's beard, what?" Lily stood up and ran forward to hug me, "So you have a girlfriend now." She raised her left brow, smirking.

"Lily, for God's sake, why would she be crying if we were dating?"

"You didn't!" She screamed, her eyes widening.

"I didn't?"

"You rejected her!" Lily shouted.

"What? No! Sort of. We kissed but then I told her we can't date, because I'm no good." I started but Lily sighed.

"The werewolf thing again?" She raised her brow, I almost screamed. My voice barely came out when I tried to ask her how she knew. Lily smiled slightly. "I know."

"Wait, what?" I muttered, a bit startled.

"I was Severus' friend." She shrugged. "He had a theory about you, actually. Plus, I have been in Gryffindor for seven years and your friend for two."

"Then you must understand my reasons."

"The thing is that, I don't. You're extremely brave and kind. You fight every month. You are such a noble, loving human being, Remus. You need to understand this."

"Even if I am those things, I'm still a werewolf, Lily." I said firmly, praying God that she'd understand.

"So what? Why do you care about that so much?" She asked me.

"I'm unclean, unworthy." I sighed, finally letting the words out.

Lily groaned in annoyance. "Oh don't be fucking stupid, Remus." She said.

"If I dated her, I'd be stupid." I shrugged.

"Then why are you here?" She asked, her eyes narrowed.

"What?"

"Why are you still at Hogwarts? You are you friends with James, Black and Pettigrew? Why didn't you abandon your family? Because you fucking care about them, and you can't help but stay close to them." She said and I honestly didn't have a comeback.

"Maybe but-" I started but she stopped me.

"There is no but, Remus. You care about her too much that you're afraid to hurt her. Maybe you're being overprotective, I don't blame you, but if you really care, you would be more concerned about her crying in the bathroom on daily basis."

"Oh."

"See? She loves you Remus, don't break her heart. Don't break your heart." She said getting up.

"Thanks Lily." I said as she opened the door.

"No problem. I'll see you at the common room, I still need help with the Defense Against the Dark Arts homework." She smiled, leaving me alone, trying to make a decision.

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