FEEL

5. Liberosis

Liberosis ~ the desire to feel the blissful childlike state of indifference and experience life's joys without being burdened by its cares

~ The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows ~

~°~

I want to dwell inside the mind of a teenager, one that isn't like me. A teenager who has not a care in the world for anybody else but themselves, and they can do this effortlessly. One who indulges in impulsive, reckless behavior all because it looks or sounds fun. Who doesn't think before they act or speak. Who has no concerns for their future, whatsoever.

When I told this to Mr Pierce, he had given me a sad look, like I had missed out on something that I can never get back.

I know that I did. He saw this as an opportunity to bring up me making friends again, suggesting that hanging around my own peers would do me good. Would give me the life experiences that I need in order to feel at least a little like them. In fact, he even suggested that the most common reason why teens mostly do such things is to impress their friends, and less of because they want to. I don't know, sounds like a really stupid reason.

However, I'd stopped consuming myself with those thoughts by the end of the day. By then, it has kicked in that today is Friday, that I won't be going to school or seeing Mr Pierce until Monday.

I'd arrived home to the same silent droopy atmosphere, unable to shake of the heavy urge to cry. It sat over my chest like pure lead. I didn't succumb to it, though. I had such a great week with Mr Pierce, I don't want to ruin it. The ache starts to protrude more, knawing and stabbing into my chest. Almost like a knife being twisted in the same place for the sake of inflicting me pain.

With a wince, I hurry to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. Only halfway though the task does the pain spread and start to close around my heart. I suck in a breath, but not an ounce fills my lungs. Panic settles in me as I grip the edge of the counter, taking in yet another breath but getting no air inside me.

My hand darts to my chest and I start heaving violently, crouching down and trying to figure out what on earth is happening. It's when I get lightheaded that I realize that I'm going to pass out if I don't do something quickly. My legs barely shake as I stretch them to lift up. Shaking hands open the cupboard while I try to retrieve a glass. The task becomes keeping it there as I make for the sink, still unable to compose my breathing or get any air into my lungs.

The tap opens, water fills the glass and I drink like that's my last remaining life source. The moment I feel water run down my throat, feel anything really, the tension within me eases gradually.

When I came down, my cheeks were soaked with tears and I was still mildly dizzy. I stood leaning against the counter and staring into the space around me. One would think that I had some significant thoughts, the way I stood there with my eyes focused on one thing, but I was blank. There was absolutely nothing in my head but the consistent sense of ringing that I heard in my ears. Occasionally, the beating of my heart would make an appearance as well.

And I stood there until it was nearing dark time. The only time I moved was to whip my head around when my ringtone resounded across the room. I patted my pockets, only absently knowing that it's never in my person. I always lose my cellphone, it's just so small and useless. My mother uses it to call me, so I have keep it on and around the house. I don't know where around the house it might be right now, though.

I follow the sound to the living room, seeing it on the coffee table. I pick up the device and hold it against my ear. "Hello?"

"Aquila, don't wait up for me tonight, okay? I'm sleeping at Eli's," my mother tells me. She speaks fast, like she's rushing somewhere.