FEEL

29. Anthrodynia

Anthrodynia ~ a state of exhaustion with how cruel people can be, triggering a countervailing sense of gratitude for things kind, sincere, forgiving and unabashedly joyful.

~ The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows ~

~°~

A lot of conspiracy theorists often argue that life is a simulation. That we're in some sort of matrix controlled by a higher power. I heard one even say that before our ears developed, humans couldn't hear anything. And we had lived that way for years. That being the case, there is a strong possibility that there's something else that's around us everyday that we don't know about because we don't have the organ to sense it.

I used to be obsessed with these theories as a kid. They awakened some sort of self-awareness despite challenging what I knew that awareness to be. During those times, I felt so unreal. Unalive. Like I don't really exist. I used to cry some nights at the thought of it. At the thought of not really being alive, not really being here and tasting and seeing and thinking. It frustrated me as a child, to not know for sure.

I guess where I'm going towards here is that it doesn't matter to me anymore. Being truly alive or not. What happens after death. If we're in a simulation or not. If God is real or just a hoax. Whether I'm real or not. Whether the skin on my bones is really skin or just some big illusion.

It's happening right now. My eyes are staring blankly at the road and all I feel is unalive. Like I don't really exist. Like I'm looking through virtual reality glasses and not actually experiencing what's going on. No emotion, no thoughts, just air.

The car stops. This road is unfamiliar, so I turn to Mr Pierce with my eyebrows drawn in, asking a question with no words. He unbuckles his seat belt and gets out of the car. I watch him going around the front and to my side and opening the door.

“Get out.”

This is the first time he speaks to me since what happened on the school roof. At first, I thought he would call my parents or take me to the principal's office. Instead, we got in the car and left the school. I was then fully convinced that he would drive me home, but it seems he had something else in mind.

I look outside. There's a forest behind him, all eerie and dark, trees so large that you couldn't see much between them but one little path that continues until somewhere deep that the eye can't see.

I glance up at him. “Are you going to finish the job yourself?”

“You're funny,” he comments dryly. “Out.”

I unbuckle my seat belt and step out of the car. He closes the door for me and starts up the path, clearly expecting me to follow him. I stand there for a moment, watching him leave. He stops just three feet ahead and looks at me.

“Could you make it fast?” I plead, “Like, if you're going to stab me, maybe start with the heart or the neck-”

“Do you want me to come and get you?”

“No.”

No jokes, I guess. He's wound up real tight today. I hastily follow after him, trying to keep up with his long legs down the path. When he notices my struggle, he slows down. We walk side by side, quietly. A tense kind of quiet.

His expression is vacant. Not even his eyes reveal his thoughts. It worries me. “Are you upset at me?”

Mr Pierce glances at me. “No.” Relief washes over me. “I'm upset that something would cause you to do that. I'm upset that I wasn't reliable enough for you to confide in.”