FEEL

43. Vicarous

Vicarous ~ curious to know what someone would do if they were in your shoes.

~ The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows ~

~°~

Taking my braids off today was an impulsive decision. After Cameron left with his nieces this morning, I made the decision to bring Breanna over. I got frustrated while trying to style my hair and just grabbed the scissors and cut it. If that does not do enough to seal the start of a bad day, Breanna had to get here with the sight of me crouched on the bathroom floor, crying like a baby.

“You barely cut off any of your hair,” she placated while cutting the rest of the braids. “It was probably just split ends, even. The braids were getting old, anyway. I can barely keep mine for more than a week without getting bored of them,” she laughs awkwardly.

I can't help it. I smile at her through the mirror. It's cute, how hard she's trying to make me feel better, even though she doesn't even know why I'm upset. I keep forgetting what a great friend she is. I don't think any of my old friends would have reacted the same. My mother especially would not have, if she even saw me.

I turn my body on the dressing table chair to wrap my arms around her waist. I don't have to see her grinning. I can already hear it in her words. “You could tell me what happened that's gotten you this soft, you know?”

I reply into her stomach, “I'm an embarrassment.”

The words are muffled into her hoodie, so indubitably, she doesn't hear me. She takes both my cheeks into her hands and pulls me back to look at me. “Now, you can talk.”

“I told him I wanted to have sex with him,” I let the words out fast.

Her eyebrows rise, but that's about the only reaction I get from her. She asks, “And then what?”

“And then he said, no. Not ever. Like I was the grossest thing in the world and how dare I even say such a thing to him.” I dig my face back into her belly. “I've never been more embarrassed in my life, Bree.”

“Aquila.” Once again, she pulls my face back into her view. I try not to cry as I glance back at her, but the sympathy in her frown suggests I have failed. “You did nothing wrong. You were honest about your intentions and you voiced out what you wanted. If he doesn't want to, that's on him. He's missing out”

The pang in my chest is quite eminent. Thinking about it hurts enough, but hearing the words said out loud, that he might, or worse, will never want me, it's shattering. I'll never want to be with anyone else, I know it. He's the only person who makes me feel anything. My lips start to quiver, so I look down before Breanna could see the tear that slips down my cheek.

I hear Breanna sigh before she pulls me back against her belly and allows me to lay my head against it again. “I know you really think you like him, Aquila. And I'm not saying you don't. Just that... Well, he is your teacher-”

“That doesn't change anything.”

“Of course it doesn't,” she quickly adds. I can feel her start to take my braids off for me, and the feeling is relaxing. Her hands on my hair feels soothing. “But he's also...he's a lot older than you. It's okay to have fun and mess around, but you're starting to seem really invested.”

I lift up to look at her. “I'm not. What are you saying?”

Breanna diverts eye contact for a moment, scoping her eyes across the room like she's reading her thoughts as they pass. Then, she says, “Have I ever told you about my friend, Blayke?”