FEEL

13. Ludiosis

Ludiosis ~ the sense that you're making it up as you go along, acting without reason.

~ The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows ~

~°~

I read somewhere that cats' brains, although significantly smaller than that of humans, have similar brain anatomy to ours. This means they can plan, store memory and even dream just like us. They are more fortunate than us, though. Their lives aren't as complex.

Glancing over at Gracie on her cushion, I feel a shadow of envy. To have so much intelligence, yet live a life so simple that my needs are little and my priorities are constant. Not much could bring me joy, therefore not much can upset me. Life, at its simplest. And the world gave that gift to cats.

“You shouldn't have done that.”

He's standing behind me. I had come to sit on the floor in front of the sliding door leading into his balcony. Not much crossed my mind, at moments it would be absolutely nothing, others it would be everything at the same time.

When I don't reply, he continues, “It's getting late. I should take you home.”

Without protest, I lift from where I'm seated. Gracie stands up and brushes along my leg as I leave, I assume it's her way of saying goodbye. The walk to his car is silent and thick with tension, as if we were walking through a room filled with smoke. The drive is even worse.

I've never seen Mr Pierce like this before. So internally conflicted. It dawns me right then that he considers me nothing but a teenager. Perhaps I was. Because much like my peers, I had succumbed to hormonal impulses. Without thought or consideration. I wonder if even a grown up would have been able to defeat a desire so grappling.

I can still remember what the urge felt like. I can feel the beat of my heart, throbbing intensely, the heat of my core, of the veins beneath my skin. The rush in my belly. That rush described in novels when her lips connect with his, as lovers, as soulmates. The one that robs you of all thought, fills your head with warm clouds. The one that I hadn't felt with Dre at the party that night. I'd felt it with Mr Pierce. And we hadn't done even half of what Dre and I did back then.

Feel until you forget to think.

The car stops and I realize we had reached my apartment building. It's near to dark, sun setting over the city scape confirming what Mr Pierce had said earlier. It is getting late.

I look out at the building. Find where my window should be, the large one in my bedroom that overlooks the entire city. I envision what lies inside that house. Specifically who. I don't want to see either of them. To go in there. Not that I want to be here just as much after what had happened or rather after how Mr Pierce reacted to it.

It's like standing between two paths and being forced to choose one, yet one is made of glass shards and the other of metal nails. Did I mention you were bare foot?

We sit there for a good five minutes before I make a move to get out. “Thank you for driving me,” I say monotonously as I remove my seat belt. “I'll repay the favor in any way I can.”

I barely finish the sentence before Mr Pierce replies, “Don't do that. You don't have to.”

“Why not? I don't want to be indebted-”

“Stop it right there.” His voice is firm, grave. For a moment it strikes me, renders me unable to defy him.

His hypnosis lasts only a second before I respond, “No. I thought you were doing all of this because you liked me. Taking me to your house, dancing with me, making me feel better. I thought you cared. But clearly, that wasn't the case.”