FEEL

53. Nullness

Nullness ~ a state of instinctive restlessness that arises when your society makes too many choices on your behalf

~ The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows ~

~°~

Silence predominantly occupies our most peaceful moments. Those moments when you're alone in your room before going to sleep, staring at the ceiling and patiently waiting for sleep to take you into its comforting embrace. Or perhaps those where you walk alone in the woods and take a moment to look out into the view, watching the noise of the city from the quiet of nature.

Today, it invaded, not the external, but rather my internal environment. There was noise of all kinds in the hospital, but I couldn't hear it. I couldn't hear the doctor's questions, nor Breanna's reassuring words as we drove together in the Uber, nor that of the Uber driver after Breanna had gotten off and I was to drive home.

Something was ruined inside of me, I could feel it. Something shattered beyond repair, deemed me no longer human, no longer deserving of basic joy. It was as if everytime I found the solution to one thing, another arose just barely short of solving the last. I was digging for freedom and seeing mirages of light, only to dig myself deeper beneath the surface in pursuit of them. And it was all my fault.

I pull my phone out and look through my three contacts. It's only while doing this that I notice my hands are shaking. I also note that my teeth clatter if I don't hold my jaw, but I'm not cold at all. Cameron was the last person I wanted to see right now. Breanna, the second last. And then there was Laylie. Cameron's sister.

I recall the night she had given me her number, when she had said I could call if I needed to talk, just between us. She had sounded reassuring, but I dreaded ringing her up and becoming a nuisance. But it was this, or I walk up to Cameron Pierce and tell him that I have ruined both of our lives.

I click on the contact and it dials. My heart sounds against my ears, each bang loud and hard as I wait for her to reply. We're getting close to Cameron's apartment building and I feel my body tremble in torturous hope and anticipation. I almost drop the call when she picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hi,” I reply, then clear my throat when I sound too groggy. I feel something hot and wet slide down my cheek and realize that I was crying. I quickly wipe it. “Hey, I hope I'm not interrupting you in any way.”

Laylie, with a frown in her voice, replies, “Depends on who you are.”

“Oh, right sorry. It's Aquila,” I say with a rough chuckle. I hope I don't sound too much of a mess.

“Aquila...?”

“I was at Cameron's place the other night-”

“Oh my God, Aquila!” There's some shuffling in her end. “I am so sorry, darling. It's 2PM and I have been up since 5AM, my mind is an absolute mess. How are you?”

“I'm alright. I was just hoping we could talk. In person.”

She is quiet for roughly three or so seconds, then, with a shadow of concern and curiosity, says, “That won't be a problem. Can I send you my address?”

“Yeah.”

“Just listen, I'll have to escape work and that'll take a few minutes but my mother is there and I'll have her let you in. Is that all right with you, Aquila?”

I nod. “Of course.”

“Perfect! Thank you so much, darling, You're an absolute angel. I'll see you in just a moment.”