7: Elijah

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by kllcarlxD

by kllcarlxD

Elijah's POV

Seeing Caesar was the last thing I needed.

I hated the way he looked at me. I wasn't going to let him play with me until he realized what is was he felt. Maybe he already did. But I was not budging until he said it out loud. To my face.

Caesar was piecing it together. My love for him and his love for me. The final piece of the puzzle— his sexuality and coming to terms with it for the rest of his life. I felt slightly guilty for pushing him away, but after that night it felt natural. Giving him— myself, space. Time. I had never been more afraid of myself than then. What Caesar did...kissing me like that. It had shocked me to my core. I kissed back anyway and ran away like a coward.
It's strange how quickly time passes when your mind isn't thinking. In that time I have come to realize my relationship with Caesar. There is no denying it. We like each other. But he's too proud and maybe a little self-doubting to admit it. Trapped in the endless cycle that he could only be straight and only ever like females.

So as I arrived at school, I stared him down. Hard enough that he should have got the memo. To speak, to say something, anything to me. It was killing me waiting and waiting, and I would not falter- not give up that sense of self I had that Caesar didn't and might never get. The fact that I was bisexual and knew it— accepted it with open arms while Caesar denied any accusation toward his gayness. He never even questioned it. But that night...what he did...it was different than any other time. It was so out of the blue.
And that terrified me. Terrified me that someone like him could feel the same way I do. I knew that I loved Caesar. I had known since the moment I first laid eyes on him. Guilt hit me when I remembered the day outside as well... did anyone hear that? It was out in the open. But I believe it helped him. Shoved a new perspective at him.

Maybe he really did see me as a friend, maybe he did not love me like that. But until I heard anything directly from him to me, I wouldn't deny or believe anything. Would not let myself get my hopes up. Maybe I could fix this. I have to fix this.
I sat near him that Friday afternoon as he also sat alone outside after school.
"E-Elijah?" he stuttered, eyes so, so distant from this world that my heart sunk. He'd thrown himself inside his head to deny himself, deny us.
"Tell me Caesar" The words kept coming out before I could stop them- "Tell me you don't love me. Tell me you're straight"

I paused taking deep breaths. "Tell me, please. Prove you never felt anything that night." Silence once again filled the air as he kept staring at me, but I knew he heard.
I was waiting for him to speak, to make up some excuse to explain why, why he acted that way. Why he kissed me that way. But nothing came from him except silence.

"I can't. I'm not ready."
Tears hit me at that.