9: Salad

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by kllcarlxD

by kllcarlxD

Caesars POV

"I can't. I'm not ready."

As the words spewed from my mouth, I almost regretted them. But Elijah would want me to be honest. And as he walked away disappointed, I remembered the nickname he called me, and the memories that came with it.

Him smiling at me, genuinely. Not like the popular kids who I walk to as my "friends". Not the fake smiles and fake laughs. No one cared about my opinions, or even if I spoke at all. I simply sat at the basketball court and remembered and felt. Felt sorry for myself that I had ruined things, went and kissed him without a thought in my head.

I remember how confused he looked. How hurt I saw him. But I also remembered him calling me "salad" or "Caesar salad". No one ever really called me that, surprisingly. They stuck to "Julius Caesar" or something dumb like that. So hearing him call me salad made me smile. It brought tears to my eyes every time, a bittersweet smile that grew larger when he laughed.

I am gay. I know I am. I have to admit it to him for him to truly see and feel the love I have for him. That I wasn't a joke or a prank. That I'm sorry for kissing him with no explanation. I hope that maybe one day he will be okay with it. With us. Together.

My head spins. Thoughts rushing and swirling through my mind. The idea that this is real. This is happening. That the one person I want in my entire life could feel the same way about me as I feel about him. My mom arrives to pick up, finally.

Laying in bed, I think and think. I haven't hopped on fornite in a while, but I'm a menace on it. Me and Elijah used to play. My username was SaladBoy69. Popular kids often joked about it at school, and how violent I got at the game. At Elijah sometimes. It was only because it was an outlet for my built up anger and resentment towards my sexuality, I now realized. It wasn't just a game to me. It became a coping mechanism which allowed me to ignore what I was feeling. But then I fell for Elijah. I fell for a boy who was so good with words and always so understanding. Who treated me with respect. Who I could trust completely. Someone I was willing to let all my insecurities and fears out on. But I never did. Never vented to him about anything and instead said hurtful things to all the popular kids and Jet over a stupid video game that made me feel so much better. I knew they deserved it for all they said, but I was still so oblivious in person. They never found out that I knew— knew they didn't like me. That I was a toy for them to laugh at like any other kid who's slightly different at that school.

But I needed him to know. I needed Elijah to know that I was never angry at him. That I did love him. And I knew exactly how.