At Last, Him

Chapter 21: Through My Mother's Eyes

Ar. Jaron drove, his hands steady on the wheel, navigating the long road from Manila to Bataan with an air of focus that betrayed the concern in his eyes each time he glanced at me in the rearview mirror. Architect Carlo sat beside him, quietly coordinating our arrival with subtle phone calls and murmured instructions.

Ang daan ay humaba sa aming harapan, paikot-ikot sa mga pamilyar na bayan at kanayunan na halos hindi ko namamalayan. My gaze was fixed out the window, unseeing, my thoughts lost in the hollow echo of my mother's hesitant voice on the phone. Parang napakatagal na ng panahon, ngunit ang mga salita ay patuloy na umuugong sa aking mga tainga, ayaw maglaho.

Now, sitting in Ar. Jaron's car, the weight of it pressed down on me, suffocating and cold.

As we drove through Mariveles, the sights of my hometown, which once brought warmth and memories, felt foreign. The roads I knew so well seemed shrouded in a fog, blurred by the weight of reality pressing down on me. Architect Carlo, with his familiar calm demeanor, glanced at me in the rearview mirror, concern etched in the furrow of his brow. Architect Jaron reached over and squeezed my hand gently—a wordless reassurance I desperately needed but couldn't respond to.

Pagkadating namin sa Godspeed Garden Memorial Park, naramdaman ko na agad ang lalong pagsikip ng dibdib ko. Rows of people, an ocean of somber faces and bowed heads, filled the space. My father's colleagues, their black suits stark against the soft green of the garden, exchanged murmured condolences. Relatives I hadn't seen in years stood with eyes wet and red, their hands clasped in front of them. Family friends, who had watched me grow up, met my eyes with expressions that cracked my already fragile composure.

No'ng pinarada ni Ar. Jaron ang kotse niya, ilang minuto ang lumipas pero walang gumagalaw sa 'min. Ang katahimikan ay nakabibingi, tanging ang malalayong kaluskos ng mga dahon at mahihinang hikbi na lumalaganap sa hangin ang sumisira dito. Architect Carlo turned to me, his eyes kind but pained. "Shan, nandito lang kami."

Tumango ako, ang mga galaw ko'y parang robot habang lumalabas ako ng kotse. Parang ang mundo ay mabilis at mabagal nang sabay. I willed my feet to move, but each step felt like dragging a ton of lead. The noise around me—the rustling of leaves, the distant hum of cars, the soft sobs of mourners—blurred into an incomprehensible roar. But it all fell silent when my eyes found the casket. Polished, dark wood adorned with white lilies, it held the impossible: the still form of my father.

Para bang may napakabigat na bagay na dumagan sa dibdib ko at nahihirapan akong huminga. My vision tunneled, and the strength in my legs crumbled beneath me as I sank toward the ground. Just when I was bracing for the cold, unforgiving touch of the earth, familiar arms wrapped around me, firm and steady.

Cam. His presence broke through the chaos like a beacon. His face, always so full of life, was now shadowed with worry, his eyes glistening as they searched mine. I could see the pain mirrored there, the empathy that only someone who knew me inside out could feel.

Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko at saka tuluyang bumuhos ang mga luha ko mula sa mga mata ko. Napakapit ako sa kanya, ramdam na ramdam ko ang panghihina ko. My cries were soundless, the kind of grief that stole breath and left nothing but raw, aching silence in its wake.

Cam's arms tightened around me, one hand cradling the back of my head as he whispered soothingly, "I'm here, Shan. I'm here." The words were simple, but they broke through the numbness, anchoring me in the midst of the storm. I felt the heat of his cheek against my hair, his steady heartbeat against my chest, a reminder that not everything was lost.

Around us, the world continued, blurred and inconsequential. Muffled voices, the quiet sobs of those who stood nearby, the scent of flowers mixed with the crisp, late-afternoon air—it all faded into the background as I let myself mourn, truly mourn, in the safety of Cam's embrace. The weight of everything—the distance, the regrets, the words unsaid—pressed down on me, but for that moment, I wasn't carrying it alone.