At Last, Him

Epilogue

I woke up to the gentle rhythm of his breathing, the warmth of his presence radiating next to me. The morning light filtered softly through the curtains, casting a golden hue over the room that mirrored the glow in my heart. This was my life―the life I had prayed for countless nights, whispered wishes into the silence, and held onto in my most fragile moments. And this was the man I had prayed for, the one who made it all make sense.

All these years, I longed for a love that felt right, a love that settled deep into my soul without chaos or doubt. I wanted a love that whispered peace, that felt destined and unshakable, a love that made me feel not just cherished but whole. And now, lying here beside CL, I realized that every painful chapter, every moment of heartbreak, had led me to this. To him.

CL was more than just my partner—he was the first and only person who made me fall in love with myself more. He was the one who encouraged me to let go of the version of myself I thought I had to become, the one I had clung to out of obligation and habit. He made me see that it was okay to step away from that path, not because I failed, but because I no longer wanted to be that person.

"It's okay to let go of that version of yourself that could have been, simply because you no longer want to become that person. Not doing something because you don't want to is more than valid," he told me once, his voice steady and sure, like an anchor in a storm.

And with those words, he unlocked something inside me I hadn't even realized was trapped. For the first time, I felt the weight of years of expectations—most of them my own—begin to lift.

He showed me there was nothing wrong with choosing my comfort zone over everything else. That I didn't have to punish myself with difficulty to prove my worth or earn my growth. With him, I learned that it was okay to just live, to just breathe.

In the quiet stillness, gratitude washed over me in waves. I thanked God for every man who came before him―those who once held my heart, the ones whose hearts I broke, and those who shattered mine. Each of them played their part in shaping who I am, carving paths that, unbeknownst to me, were leading me here. The endless waiting, the aching loneliness, the wrong choices, and the silent nights of doubt―they were all worth it.

Because now I knew, even when life had felt unbearably heavy, even when my father's sudden absence left a void no love could ever fill, there was a plan unfolding. I never knew when it would be my last breath or my last day, but now, if it came, I would face it without fear. I would go knowing my heart was truly happy. And it was all because of him―the man who healed what he never broke, who brought light to corners of my soul I didn't know were dark.

CL was more than I ever dared to dream for myself. He loved me in a way that was tender yet fierce, constant and unwavering. He made me feel beautiful on days when I doubted myself and celebrated the parts of me I once thought unlovable. He embodied the love that my mother never experienced, a love that felt safe, secure, and soul-deep. For so long, I had wondered if I was capable of loving someone this much or if anyone could love me in return with that same intensity. But CL proved to me that I was—and someone could.

I couldn't help but wonder if my father had sent him to me, a final gift from somewhere beyond where goodbyes and regrets could no longer reach. Even though I never got the chance to tell my father that I loved him before he was gone, I now had the chance to say it―to live it―with CL. And that was enough. It was more than enough.

For years, the fear of abandonment loomed large. The worry that one day, the man I loved would decide I wasn't enough, or worse, that he would leave without warning. But waking up next to CL, I realized those fears were now whispers I could no longer hear. What I feared most wasn't the betrayal or the idea of him walking away; it was the inevitable day that death would come, and I―or perhaps he―would have to face life without the other. I feared that final goodbye, the one that leaves no room for a return.

But today, with him by my side, I wasn't afraid anymore. Not of death, not of the unknown. Because I knew that whatever came, I'd face it with the certainty that I was loved deeply and had loved in return. And that love, his love, was woven into every part of me. It was a love I'd carry with me beyond this life, one that he'd carry too, should I go first. And if I did, I would leave knowing I had lived a life where he was mine, and I was his.

After years of searching, doubting, and surrendering to solitude, here he is―against all odds―at last, him―the one I never thought I'd find.

CL, if you're done reading this book by now, I hope I am still by your side, or if I fail to do so, or if something happens to me, once you're done reading this book, all those years of my absence in your life before we met, I hope this book will make you feel like you've known me for so long, and that through this book, I am with you, always and forever.

―The End