At Last, Him

Chapter 40: Quietly Closing

Shan

It was June 28, 2024, Friday, and I was lying on my bed, scrolling mindlessly through Instagram. The familiar glow of the screen illuminated my face as I paused on a photo that made my heart skip a beat. East. He was smiling broadly, his arm raised in triumph, the caption underneath announcing that he had finally earned his Commercial Pilot License. My fingers hovered over the heart icon, a reflex to show my happiness for him, but I hesitated and pulled back. Liking the photo seemed too much, too raw, so I didn't. Yet deep down, I felt an unmistakable sense of pride for him.

Memories washed over me like the warm waves of Bali, and I allowed myself to drift back to that Valentine's dinner, two years, four months, and fourteen days ago. Iyon na ang huling beses na nakita ko siya, para bang huling kabanata na 'yon ng buhay ko na kinailangan kong isara kung saan naging parte siya. That evening was bittersweet, the air filled with laughter and unsaid words as we sat across from each other, pretending that the night was just another shared moment, not a farewell.

East was flying back to the Philippines the next day to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a pilot, a dream I knew burned in him for as long as I could remember. I had admired that part of him—the relentless pursuit of something that made his eyes light up. But as much as we had shared, as much as feelings lingered between us, we were never ready at the same time. Back here in the Philippines, when my heart had been open to him, he was still tethered to uncertainties and unresolved emotions. And there we were in Bali, where he was finally ready, where his eyes searched mine with hope and conviction. But I couldn't give him what he wanted. My heart had changed, grown, and moved past him. I didn't want him anymore, not the way I once did.

Still, that night had given us something priceless—closure. We said our goodbyes, tender but firm, acknowledging the threads that bound us while letting them unravel. It was crazy to think about how the universe works. When someone is not meant to stay in your life, it conspires to keep your paths from crossing again. Even when that person lives just a street away, shares mutual friends, attends the same church every Sunday—you simply never meet. And so, East and I hadn't.

I glanced over at CL, still sleeping peacefully beside me, his features softened in the dim morning light. My heart swelled as I realized a profound truth: when someone is meant to be in your life, the universe will find a way to bring you together. No matter how long you spend without them, no matter how different your paths are, or how vast the world may be, destiny finds a way when it's time.

And CL was proof of that. The universe brought us together, threading the impossible until our worlds aligned.

And suddenly, a thought as random as it was terrifying pierced my mind—What if today was my last day? What if tomorrow never came? I blinked back a surge of fear, my hand instinctively resting on my belly, feeling the gentle kick of the life inside me. I need to do this. I need to say what should have been said a long time ago.

I stared at my phone for a few moments before starting the first message. Memories rushed back, emotions I thought were buried resurfacing with each keystroke. Nag-atubili ang mga daliri ko, pero huminga ako ng malalim at nagpatuloy. Hinanap ko siya sa Facebook, at doon ko nakita ang kanyang account. 

My heart was thudding in my chest. Do I really want to open that door, even if just a crack? The answer was yes. This wasn't for him; it was for me. 

Hi, TJ. Please don't reply. This isn't an invitation to reconnect.

I hated that I had to experience all of my firsts with you.