A THOUSAND AND ONE WORDS

memories knitted together

i am so sorry

no

i don't have anything to apologise for

let me start again

i am so

actually

i don't know what i am

i can't say i didn't expect it

that you would leave someday

i knew it was coming

clear as day

i just didn't expect it to hurt so much

you changed me

inside and out

and i will forever be grateful for your influence

but could you stomp all over my heart a little less?

because i have been trying to salvage the pieces for months

and yet you keep ruining it

and i don't think you even care

i don't know if you ever did

actually, scratch that

i KNOW you did

because once upon a time

i knew you

better than you knew yourself

and for what?

for a stupid knitted flower

and memories that i hang on to

as if they are my last lifeline

they may as well be

you were, at one point, my lifeline

strange to think about

how one can go from being so close

to being so far away

we fell out of orbit

that's what i keep telling people

it's easier to say we drifted apart

then to recount how you ignored me

twins forever, you said

but the only thing matching

is our birthdays

and our tears

"people grow apart, that's life"

i simply say to anyone who asks

fully knowing that given the opportunity

you would tear my heart from my chest

to protect your shoes from the rain

i wish i could have closure from you

because you are ruining me

you are tearing me apart limb from limb

to entertain this circus of enjoyers

when i was the one who saw you at your lowest

how dare you turn against me now

because as soon as something else happens

you will come back to me

only to find i'm not there anymore

except i will be

we both know i will be

waiting like a lost kid

for someone

anyone

to come back

i will always admire you

whether close or from afar

and i cannot bring myself to hate you

i despise your actions and your treatment

i would not wish this on my worst enemy

(yes i would i can't lie)

but if i am unable to hate you

that makes it my fault

and therefore

it must be my fault

so

through no fault of my own

but by the process of elimination

i'm sorry

i wish i were able to eliminate my memories with you

because this stupid sunflower

with its symbolism of new beginnings

only serves as a reminder of the pain

how you were apollo and i was clytie

destined to love

yet forced to watch from afar

as clytie could not go any further

and could only watch apollo's progress

just as sunflowers do

maybe it's easier this way

imagining us as a greek myth

a tragedy that will never resolve

still yearning for that final result

and never receiving it

clytie ended up as a sunflower herself

you know

the gods felt sorry for her

with her endless hope

they transformed her

into something apollo loved

so she was forever able to follow his path

maybe that's what i should do

not become a sunflower

although that would be cool

no i could transform

into something you enjoy

someone you want to talk to

because maybe that's how

i could get my best friend back.