Start again Chapter II

Part 46

I am so lost in my own fucking mind. I got lost track of time, and i just walk alone on the streets alone to the last place i want to be.

My mothers house.

I have no idea what or why am i doing in here... i'm so lost. I don't know what i'm doing, but then, i found myself sitting here infront of my mom.

We haven't said one single thing to each other since i've arrived in this place. God, why am i doing here?

"Honey, are you alright?" She started. I still keep my head down in silence. Still trying to find the reason why am i here in the first place.

"Honey" I look up at her. Her hair is brushed perfectly, a bit of make-up on her middle aged face, and she's wearing a blue bright shirt with jeans. Not to bad for a 43 years old lady

"Honey, i know something is wrong, and i can't help you if you don't tell me anything"

"What am i doing here mom?" I ask, a bit crack at the end.

My mom stayed silence, waiting me to continue.

"What am i doing in this world?" I sigh, holding back some tears inside of me.

My mom starts to sigh but keep silence, listening to me carefully.

"I've lost everything. My family, Calvin, Zayn, Harry.. I-i've lost everyone i love. Even now, i think Lilian hates me" I huffed, wiping a tear that came out from my eye.

"Y-you didn't lose your family, honey" My mom stands up and take a sit next to me. But i didn't react. I just sit still. Playing with my fingers.

"We're here honey. And what do you mean you lose Calvin? He is still here"

"But he isn't!" I shouted, turning my body facing to her. She flinch and sat straight in front of me.

"I'm fucking losing my mind mom! Can't you see! I'm useless in this world!" I jabbed my hair frustatedly and look at my mom. She holding back her tears.

"Amanda, please for once. Listen to me. Maybe i can help you" She whispers. I scoffed and shake my head.

"I listen to you?! To you? You never listens to me!" I shouted.

This is not what i need right now.

"Amanda, please.. I'm trying to help you-"

"This is fucking useless! I don't even know why i came here in the first place" I stomped my feets to the floor and stand up, walking towards the door.

"Amanda!" My mom shouted, i shake my head in anger but turn around when my mom suddenly grab me hard on my wrist.

Soon, i was in her arms. She pulled me fast and sink me in her arms. This feels weird, i haven't touched her, hug her in a long time. But, this feels really good. I feel a different warmth inside of me. Not the type of warmth i felt when i'm in Harry's, Calvins nor Zayns arms. This is such a different warmth.

But god i like it. And soon, the tears started floading out from my eyes as soon as legs defeat on me and me and my mom fell to the ground.

I started to cry really bad and sobbing on her shoulder, i could feel tears on my shoulder so that means she's crying too.

God, what happend to me.

"It's okay honey, let it all out" She whispers at me, while strucking my hair with her hands.

"Mom.. I-i messed up" I cried in her arms. My mom keep silence while strucking my hair.

"I-i can't mom. I-i can't be with two guys at the same time. I-"