Hypnotised (Magnets Book 2)

Chapter 20

Dan's POV

In the next hour, Rose, left the hospital after a slightly teary goodbye.

"See you in Manchester in a little, okay?" She said. She sounded miserable, as if she wanted to just swoop him up and keep him with her and nurse him back to good health.

"Sure thing, mum," Phil replied. He kept his expression straight, but I knew it was hard for him to let her go.

For the next hour or so, Chris, Peej and Phil and I just chatted about nothing important. Light stuff. All of a sudden, Phil gave a start.

"What?" I said, looking at him warily. "Are you in pain? Do I need to-"

"No, I'm fine, Dan. I just remembered- when was the last time you posted a video to your Youtube?"

"Why are you even thinking about that? You should be worried about yourself-"

"How long, Dan?"

"Phil, you've just come out of surgery, you shouldn't be thinking about-"

"Dan."

I sighed in defeat. He was not letting up.

"Ithinkitwas4weeksago," I mumbled quickly.

"What was that?" He asked, clearly enjoying this too much.

I refused to meet his eyes. "A while ago," I said vaguely, crossing my arms.

"Really, Dan? You're gonna play that game?"

I nodded resolutely.

"Well, even if I had no clue before, I now know that you are behind and your fans probably want more content."

"Well how am I supposed to do stuff like that when-" I gestured wildly to his bed. "This!"

All traces of humor left Phil's face. "So it's my fault, then?"

I realized my mistake. "No- I didn't mean it like that, Phil, you know what I meant-"

He turned his gaze away, his blue eyes taking on a woeful expression. "It's okay," he said after a few tense seconds, before smiling at me. It didn't quite meet his eyes, though. "Oh, Dan. The only thing you should feel guilty for is neglecting your viewers so long."

I smiled, the tension in the air having evaporated.

"Seriously, Dan. You should go home. You've been here for ages, plus-" He started.

"I know, I know, I'm lazy and I procrastinate and I haven't posted in a while- I get it," I finished smoothly. "I can't just leave you here, alone-"

"That's what Chris and Peej are here for, Dan," Phil said.

Chris started. "Wha- uh, yeah!" He mumbled as if he'd been half asleep. He probably had.

I contemplated for a moment. I knew it would only piss Phil off if I stayed, but I really wanted to see him for longer. I wanted to re-familiarize myself with his face, his bald patch, his black stitches that stuck out in ridges from his skin. His tired eyes and pale complexion- even more pale than usual.

I then realized that his skull had been cut open. There had been a hole in his skull and they had cut out brain cells. It hit me like a tonne of bricks, for some reason, right at that moment. Our lives were changing- we had been forced to switch from the safe, familiar road to a completely unknown and rarely traveled road. It was tough going- that was already evident, and I highly doubted it was going to get any better.

So whilst, my whole universe shifted a couple of degrees, Phil asked me, "so, going home Howell?"

"I- uh, yeah... I'll go. See you later, guys," I said before rushing out of the room.

"Existential crisis," I heard Phil say as my feet swiftly took me out into the hall. But it felt like more than that. It felt like the ground had dropped away from beneath my feet and I was falling, and I was falling hard. Not falling in love, falling into the unknown. I felt a hole in my chest, a never-ending abyss of fear and pain and probably tears.

It scared the hell out of me.

It wasn't until I was back in our familiar apartment that I began to calm down.

This is familiar. That crack on the floor, from when Phil dropped a wine bottle.

Those marks down the hall from when we carried our camera equipment.

The bed we spent so many nights in.

The balcony from which we watched sun setting over London.

I collapsed onto my bed, the tears finally coming. I was going to lose it all, I could tell. All the things I ever both known and loved. It was all going out the window. Why I was crying at such a loss, I didn't know. Why I thought that such a thing was going to happen, I didn't know either. I came to a conclusion

Cancer fucking sucks.

But if it was this bad for me- oh God, I should not have left that fucking hospital, I needed to go back, fix it-

Fuck.

I couldn't even imagine how Phil was coping. How he felt inside- I wasn't exactly sure but I knew he wasn't happy, like he used to be. All this pressure on him to post videos, fight cancer, look after me- I could barely even do one of those at a time.

It reminded me of how conceited, how single minded I was. I knew i wasn't okay, but Phil was even less okay because I had fucking told him, which only put more weight on his already heavily burdened shoulders.

Guilt coursed through me, making me feel sick to my stomach. I shook my head, trying to get rid of these thoughts. A healthy person would've probably taken this and used it to their advantage- they would've used it as motivation to improve, but I, being the mentally fucked up person I was- again with the self pity.

I felt like screaming in frustration as my mind chased itself into knots too difficult for me to untangle. I just wanted it to fucking stop.

In fact, that's just what I did. I screamed into my pillow, gripping it, white-knuckled, whole body tense. I didn't care what my neighbors said, they would just think we were having sex.

Phil's POV

I watched Dan go, and recalled the fleeting expression I had seen cross his face. It was a terrified look, the look that people get when a a wave is about crash down on them when they're at the beach.

Horror-stricken. Petrified.

Despite his earlier confession, I still had no idea what was going on in his head. I knew he was scared of the depression coming back, but surely that wouldn't cause the kind of horror that had been etched on his face mere seconds ago. No, this felt like more.

I, for one, was also scared. I was scared for our future together- maybe he was afraid of losing that. Yes, Dan had always been a creature of familiarity. Even when we traveled, which was not a lot, he always seemed uncomfortable and anxious. And now, both of our futures were at risk of complete destruction. Yes, that sounded right.

"Existential crisis," I muttered to Chris and Peej, who nodded, smiling. Then Chris stood up. "Uh- we need to get back as well, actually. Nice seeing you, and well- good luck, I guess." And with that he and Peej were gone, leaving me to dissect the complicated mess my boyfriend was.

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guys help i've already made one mistake pleAse tell me if i've gotten facts wrong ilysm

i can barely keep my eyes open ugh

wait it's like 6pm

whatever

thanks guys you're all gr9