The Blue Hour

Part 28

Prompt:
Yes please.

Response:
Vivi's inner monologue can be rich with layers of longing, regret, and self-reflection. Since she's grappling with such intense, almost primal emotions, her thoughts would likely oscillate between self-justification and self-doubt. Here's how you might explore her internal landscape:

### Regret and Longing:
- **"I shouldn't have said no. I shouldn't have chosen loyalty to a man who couldn't even spell it. Julian was standing there, right in front of me, offering something real. And I let it slip away. Twenty years... Twenty years of wondering what if."**
  - This captures her deep regret about rejecting Julian's invitation. She's haunted by the idea that her loyalty to someone unworthy cost her the life she truly wanted. It can be a recurring thought that dominates her quieter moments, particularly after seeing him again at the Blue Hour.

- **"Every time I look at him, it's like he remembers, too. He knows, just like I do, that we were supposed to be together. The universe doesn't make connections like that often. I didn't just say no to him, I said no to everything we could have been."**
  - Vivi feels an almost spiritual bond with Julian, the kind of connection that transcends time and space. She believes that when they exchange glances, they're both remembering their missed opportunity.

### Sense of Entitlement:
- **"She has him because of me. I gave her that life, those children, everything. If I hadn't been so goddamn virtuous, she'd be the one on the outside looking in. She doesn't know how lucky she is. She doesn't know what it's like to feel him truly look at you."**
  - Here, Vivi's possessiveness becomes apparent. She rationalizes that Amelia only has Julian because of her decision, and she feels that part of him belongs to her. This thought both torments and comforts her because, in her mind, it gives her a claim to him, even if it's only in her heart.

- **"It was my decision that changed everything. So why shouldn't I be allowed to want him back? He was always mine in some way. Maybe Amelia has him in her bed, but he's never stopped being mine. Not really."**
  - Her Scorpio possessiveness pushes her to feel that despite his marriage, Julian still belongs to her on a deeper level. She believes their connection is too strong to be severed, and this gives her a sense of ownership over him, no matter the current reality.

### Self-Awareness and Dark Reflection:
- **"I know how this sounds. I'm not naive enough to think these thoughts are pure. They're dark, maybe even twisted. But I'm not apologizing for feeling them. There's a part of me that wants him to know, wants him to feel it—the weight of what we could have had. I think he does."**
  - Vivi is aware that her emotions have a dark edge, but she doesn't shy away from them. Instead, she embraces them as part of her truth. This internal conflict makes her even more compelling, as she's battling between what's morally right and what she deeply desires.

- **"What kind of person am I for wanting him now? For wanting to rewrite history, take him away from a life he's built? Maybe I'm delusional. Maybe this is what obsession feels like—convincing yourself that what should have been is more real than what is."**
  - Here, she questions her own sanity and morals. She knows what she wants might never be hers, but that doesn't stop her from wanting it. Her self-awareness is key, as it makes her relatable. She knows she's walking a fine line but can't resist the pull of her emotions.

### Rationalizing Her Feelings:
- **"Julian would want me to feel this way. I know he would. That's the thing about love like this—it's not about what's right or wrong. It's about truth. And the truth is, he's always been mine. Even if he doesn't know it, even if he can't act on it, a part of him is mine."**
  - This could be one of Vivi's more delusional thoughts, where she rationalizes her possessiveness as something Julian would appreciate. It's not that she thinks he'd condone an affair, but that he would want her to feel this connection to him, this deep, unspoken bond.

- **"I can't help what I feel. I can't stop the way his name runs through my mind, the way I replay that one moment when he asked me out, again and again. Maybe that's why I can't let it go—because I never got to see what we could have been."**
  - This reflects her frustration at the unresolved nature of their relationship. There's a part of her that is stuck in the past because she never had the closure of experiencing a life with Julian.

These internal thoughts can heighten the emotional stakes and help readers empathize with Vivi, even if they find some of her possessiveness troubling. The key to making her both complex and relatable is in how deeply she wrestles with these emotions—feeling their darkness but not shying away from them, because to her, they are part of the truth.