My suicide had been two years in the making when I decided not to follow through at the last minute.
Over the past decade, I've written poems, books, short stories, fanfiction and hundreds of thousands of words, but nothing felt complete. This coll...
Had soto ayam for breakfast and it momentarily healed me. Then decided it was too fatty to break the fast with. Skinny legend Pien is starting to become an insufferable twat and I am here for it. Also haven't been able to stop thinking about training for an Olympic triathlon??
Been sleeping horribly lately. Very little too. Had to take a sleeping pill four nights in a row last week, so I'd reached my self-imposed limit by Thursday and then, the sleeping gods decided YOU KNOW WHAT, besides cripplingly bad dreams, let's give this lady sleep paralysis for three days straight! Think I've only slept ten hours in total since Friday. Was so knackered today that I was able to take a nap despite having taken my concerta......yeah.
Whenever a human gets attacked by a shark, practically everyone I know sends me a message like I'm personally responsible. Might add this to a list I'm putting together of (small) things that make me happy.
Deleted the IG app again yesterday. The Meta algorithm is trying to slowly drive me to insanity so I pulled the plug.
45 books to go and I will have read 465 books this year!!!!!
Both my contacts FELL out of my eyes during my walk. Almost broke out into sobs, ngl. For how overstimulated I felt, I handled myself quite well today. Had a gezellige (and notably tasty) evening at Hes and Woldy's place with Viet and Kev. Seeing Samwise and Madzia tomorrow!
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Negative Nancy #34 — 19/11/2024
3 weeks.
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Negative Nancy #35 — 21/11/2024
02:11am When I was 16, my (ex) best friend and I were like 'kelderspinnen'. If you saw one, the second would always be close by. One month, she got a lung infection so naturally, I had to skip school to keep her company. Except it was the dead of winter, about -5 *C and her mum didn't leave for work until mid morning. I sat waiting in the snow further down from their house for two hours. And at one point, became hypothermic. I remember a calm coming over me as I went numb and my mind still. I'd been hypothermic before, kind of a right of passage when you're cycling to school and back, 18 miles a day, in all seasons, for four years. But this was different. In hindsight, I hadn't just been hypothermic, I'd been dying. My best friend texting me that the coast was clear is what shook me out of my daze. I grabbed my bike, and walked to her house, still not able to feel any of my limbs. The dying theory was proven correct when I crawled into bed with her, and physically could not talk. It took an hour or more, body heat and multiple duvets, for me to warm up, and it hurt. I was chattering so bad, I cracked a molar. How vividly I remember this, when I hardly remember anything, ever, speaks volumes on the impact it had. Something shifted that day, a buried longing took a more distinct shape. The memory of the calm became a driving force, the foundation of my endgame. I wanted that stillness, I still do. I will never forget how at peace it made me feel. On the 24th, when I consciously took the hypothermia part out of the equation, I should've known the whole plan was doomed to fail.
08:03am Naoom is currently in South-Korea and when we went for our forest walk last week, she said "that's why you didn't want to come on the trip with us because you weren't planning on being alive," and I was like yah– guilty as charged. She asked if she could bring anything back for me, classic exemplary friend behaviour, and I said no thank you. Except there was one thing. A favour. I ended up voicing said favour aloud so noW SHE'S BEEN SENDING ME PICTURES OF EVERYTHING SHE'S EATING AND DRINKING YONDER IN THE LAND OF EXCELLENT SUPERMARKET KIMBAP AND SUPERIOR BAKERIES. And it makes me UNSPEAKABLY happy.
10:12am The way I just GASPED
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never mind it's €25.000, second hand, and here I was thinking I was mentally impaired.
11:07am It snowed early this morning and I missed it because I was elbow deep in a book I've been cracking up about since last night.
We had leftover rice from yesterday's dinner so I reheated the stuff, topped it with a healthy layer of wasabi mayo, shredded seaweed, roasted sesame seeds, fried onion and some extra furikake then topped that with sesame oil fried eggs and took a bite. Let's just say I've been doing an awful lot of gasping this morning.
Ever since I found out I've lost 22,3 kg, I've been caring less about further weight-loss and more about eating my weight in carbs. Still, will be walking the 8 kilometres to the station this afternoon for good measure.
My half-dormant Tumblr blog has been gaining traction for the first time in a decade and it is WIDLY confusing but not entirely unwelcome. With the exception of LinkedIn, which I despise, I might just be one of the lucky few who isn't negatively affected by social media by default. The trick is to just not care about numbers or other people. With that in mind, this post perfectly describes why I've always kept my blog, even as I watched my once loyal fanbase forget about me or when I deleted all other social media apps last year:
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Negative Nancy #36 — 22/11/2024
01:44am The rain is pouring down in torrents with thunder rumbling and flashes of lightning splitting the sky, it's so cold, snow might stick and I'm sleepy and cuddled up to my electric pillow and I feel the happiest I've been in weeks and my eyes are drooping but I'm scared of giving in because I know this contentment will be gone when I wake up.
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Negative Nancy #37 — 24/11/2024
OF COURSE the next person that enters the stage writes free verse poetry about us within days of meeting and is really talented and lovely and neurospicy and also happens to be unavailable OF COURSE.
