"Dang it, the day of the ⑨ has been over for more than 2 whole months already!" Cirno complained, back in the void. "I have to prove that I'm the STRONGEST, SMARTEST, GREATEST, RIZZIEST Fairy in all of fiction so that my day can keep going forever!" She concluded as the 1st P4 anime opening started playing in the background and an angry SMT fan yelled 'Play a REAL SMT game!'.
She then blacked out from determination, but when she woke up nothing changed, so she whited out but that didn't work either so then she greened out and blued out and yellowed out and redded out and oranged out and purpled out until it finally worked and she was out of the void.
"Let's.................GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She screamed at the top of her lungs like a Fortnite kid who finally got a victory royale after 420 tries.
She then flew to KFC while outspeeding particles of light because Touhou character so fast (source: https://vsbattles.fandom.com/wiki/Cirno).
But🍑 there➡ was👏 no⛔ one1️⃣ at⛳ the😫 KFC👴 because💁♂️ Cirno's❄ friends🚻 had🤫 gone😢 somewhere🤷♂️ else💔!
"SHIIIIIIIIIIIII-" Cirno cussed but then she got a call on her phone (that was still frozen btw) and picked up cuz the caller was Daiyousei. "Where the hell are you guys?!" She acked.
"We're at the local place with grass. We tried to fight the IRS at the KFC parking lot but they said it was unfair because our powerscaling tiers were too high, so they challenged us to a game of capture the flag, no powers allowed. Also, we're losing right now!" Daiyousei explained like a formerly plain individual.
"Ok, be right there! I'm just gonna go into my nameless form real quick!"
"Cirno, you don't have a nameless form, you don't even predate reality itself like Kogussy-" Daiyousei tried to say, but Cirno pressed big red button on phone screen through the ice cuz she was built different and also super MEAN!!!!!!
She flew again, faster than all particles of light, to the grass, bursting through a bunch of walls before arriving. "⑨, sanjou!" /obligatory Kamen Rider reference.
"Get down, Cirno. You're not supposed to fly!" Said Wriggle while sitting in a jail cell in the corner because she got tagged and nobody had time to free her.
Cirno got down even though air capture the flag would've been better. Or no, maybe that would've just ended up being like air hockey? But at least Gensokyo residents had experience in that due to the Odyssey (then again, everybody lost to an outsider who entered a stranger's gap even though his mom told him not to).
Immediately as Cirno came down, she started balling because the author ran out of ideas and is now literally just repeating chapter 5. She balled so hard she sent the IRS to jail by getting her balls on them in such a way that even Reimu the big balls shrine maiden would be jealous.
And as such, Team ⑨ made a comeback! Cirno was so strong and cool that no fairy, from Touhou or not, could handle it. Bloom from Winx Club (aka Red Hair My Finger Hurts) fainted for the 10000000000th time!
"Good job, Cirno!" Daiyousei clapped even though the game wasn't over yet, but c'mon, Team ⑨ now had 9 points while the IRS only had 6!
"We're gonna win!" Mystia cheered.
"I'm dying." Rumia was blinded by the lights so hard The Weeknd's song started playing except it was the brainrot verson sung by Uzawa Reisa.
"I SAID GOOOOOOOOOON I'M BLINDED BY THE GYATTS NO SKIBIDI UNTIL I FEEL SIGMA I SAID GOOOOOOOOOON I'M RIZZING IN THE NIGHT OH WHEN I'M FANUM YOU'RE THE ONE I TAX GYATT GYATT GYATT" Reisa's singing was so beautiful that it summoned an army of bootleg fumos from China to listen to the masterpiece.
"-100000000000000000 social credit you get no bing chilling and you've got not baozi you 呆子s! Super idol 的笑容 都沒你的甜
八月正午的陽光 都沒你耀眼
熱愛105度的你
滴滴清純的蒸餾水! Uncle Roger not approve!" The Chinese bootleg fumos yelled in all their might at Team ⑨ and the IRS.
Then they all attacked and captured the flags and balled wayyyyyyyyyyy harder than Cirno could ever wish to ball and killed every single IRS agents with made in China laser guns sold on Temu and sent all of Team ⑨ in the hospital with viruses to the point that not even 马化腾 of 腾讯 could cure them with his company's antivirus software.
"What the *CHIRUMIRUUUUU* just happened?!" Cirno cussed again as she woke up in a hospital bed after the ✨incident✨ occurred. Also, all the Team ⑨ members were in the same room together for some reason (the reason being plot convenience even tho I've been trying to look for the plot all over Tokmanni, IKEA, Biltema, Motonet and your mom's house but can't seem to find it anywhere).
"Damn it, Rumia! You started the domino effect that caused all this!" Mystia complained. "And we didn't even get my takoyaki stand back!"
"Not my fault I'm a Youkai of darkness and you made me play in broad daylight, jackass!" Rumia argued.
"I wonder if I'll ever see my bug family again..." Wriggle punched the wall in frustration but it hurt so much she immediately got a few extra months in the hospital.
"Cirno, do you have UNO?" Daiyousei asked out of boredom while coughing a concerning amount. "Oh no, sick hospital fever now bicycle is headache..." Her words also ended up being so powerful that an actual bicycle spawned in and ran over Wriggle and killed her.
"Oh yes, the STRONGEST must have UNO cards at all times just in case an UNO reverse or +4 has to be casted!" Cirno declared and pulled out a deck of UNO cards that were somehow hidden in her bow the whole time.
"Bro what kinda goofy ahh plot twist is that?" Daiyousei asked before sneezing 5 times in a row.
"Hm...why do I get the impression that this virus specifically affected Daiyousei and not any of us?" Mystia wondered.
"Well no shit, Sherlock!" Rumia was still angry and stood up to go turn off the light in the room.
"Wait, how are we supposed to play UNO now that we can't see shit?!" Cirno questioned.
How will this UNO dilemma be solved? Find out in chapter 7, coming out probably never!
"Hello, this is Nazrin from the Touhou IRS AU (is that even a real thing?). I am here to tell you, cat455553 on Scratch, to pay your god damn taxes or I take away all your Cheez-Its and feed them to my mouse army!"
YOU ARE READING
Dan make you (Touhou crackfic)
FanfictionBadly written fanfiction where Touhou characters do funni stuff (not really). Follow Cirno and friends as they commit several crimes! Except that's just what they already do in the games. BUT THIS TIME IT'S AT SCHOOL! Warning for excessive swearing...
