𝐹𝑟𝑒𝑒 𝑋𝑜𝑛𝑒

𝐿𝐼

I felt like I was on the verge of losing her, and the feeling was suffocating. My heart ached, each beat pulling me closer to the edge, seconds away from falling onto the floor. I couldn't lose her. Not now, not when I was so deeply hooked on her. She had become my everything, my high, my fix.

Without Janet, I didn't know how I'd keep going. It was as if she had transformed my entire world. Everything had changed when she came into my life. How does one go back to their old, normal life after having something this incredible? Janet was everything I had ever wanted, and more. The thought of losing that, of losing her, was unbearable.

She said she trusted me, and a part of me believed it. But there was this nagging doubt in my mind. How could she trust me when I had just messed up so royally? Maybe she was just saying it to ease the tension. Maybe she was trying to convince herself, as much as she was trying to convince me, that everything would be okay.

But deep down, I wondered if I had strained that trust beyond repair. She had given me her trust, but I couldn't help but think that I might have just thrown it all away in one moment. The idea of betraying her, even by accident, was eating away at me.

I wanted so badly for her to see me as someone who wouldn't hurt her. I wanted to be someone she could rely on, someone she could trust fully. I knew I had the potential to be that person for her, but my own mistakes had made me question that.

As I lay beside her, my thoughts were a whirlwind of self-doubt and regret. Janet had always been so strong, so self-assured. She was my rock, my peace. And yet, I felt like I was falling short, like I wasn't worthy of her.

But I couldn't give up. Not now. Not when everything we had felt so right. I had to find a way to make it right. I had to show her that I was in this with her, fully, for the long haul. I just hoped that she could see that too, that despite my mistakes, my love for her was real and unwavering.

"Janet—I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice small and full of regret.

"It's okay," she replied with a sigh, her tone casual but a bit sarcastic. "I'm gonna come out eventually, right? Who cares if you tell people before I get the chance?"

I felt a knot in my stomach. That wasn't what had happened, not at all. "That's not what happened," I said, sitting up quickly, my heart racing. I could feel the weight of my words, the tension between us thickening. "I was drunk and I told them that I love my girlfriend, Janet. I didn't say, I love my girlfriend, by the way she's Janet Jackson and she's hiding her sexuality. I wasn't trying to put you out there before you were ready. Have a little more trust in me."

I watched as Janet remained still, lying flat on her back, her eyes staring at the ceiling. The silence stretched out for a moment, and I could feel the gap widening between us. She wasn't angry, but there was something else, something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"It's okay," she finally said, her voice softer now. "I'm gonna come out soon. Don't you worry, then we can put this all behind us, Mariah." She turned her back to me, curling up on her side, her back facing me, and it stung. I wanted to hold her, to reassure her, but the distance between us was more than just physical.

I wanted to believe that everything would be fine, but the doubt lingered. Was I the one pushing too hard? Was I the one making things harder for her? It wasn't supposed to be this way. We were supposed to be in this together, supporting each other through everything. And yet, I couldn't help but feel like I'd caused a crack in the trust we had been building.

As I lay back down beside her, my mind raced, but my body stayed still. The room felt heavier now, the silence between us thick with unspoken words. I needed to believe that everything would be okay, that Janet would forgive me for my slip-up, but I also knew that things were more complicated than that.