𝐹𝑟𝑒𝑒 𝑋𝑜𝑛𝑒

𝐿𝑉

The camera sat in front of me, and behind that the screen where I could see Larry. But he wasn't really Larry; it was like I was talking to Joseph. I panicked. I couldn't find the words to say it. I couldn't say it. It was like Joseph was in the room, and suddenly I felt small. I couldn't tell the truth in front of the camera. So, I panicked and went on like I was single. Like I was the perfect straight woman that everyone expected me to be, including Joe.

I felt a lump form in my throat. This wasn't how I imagined it. I had dreamed of this moment for so long, and yet, now that I was here, in front of the cameras, everything felt wrong. I couldn't let the world know, not like this. Not until I was ready. But at that moment, it felt like I had failed her, Mariah. She had always been patient, waiting for me to come around, but I couldn't find the courage to stand up for us. I was scared.

"That's default—to—you know to get up off the floor," Larry went on, trying to keep the conversation light.

I laughed nervously, using humor to cover the deep, aching guilt inside me. "Budumbum," I made a drum soud playfully with my my mouth and playfully playing the imaginary drum sticks in my hands. It felt like I was faking the smile that everyone expected from me.

I caught a glimpse of Mariah, just behind the camera. Her face was a mix of confusion and disappointment, and then she ran away. My heart sank. I knew, in that moment, I had failed her. She deserved the truth, and I hadn't given it to her. I hadn't given it to anyone.

"Not literally," Larry said, laughing too, but I could barely hear him over the pounding in my chest.

I had to keep laughing. That's all I could do. I couldn't break in front of the camera, not yet. Not until the next two-minute commercial break. I needed to hold it together for just a little longer, but inside, I was falling apart.

The weight of everything, the lies I'd been living, the love I felt, the fear of the backlash, the pressure from my family, it all became too much. The words felt stuck in my throat, and I could see Mariah's face, her disappointment, her hurt, lingering in my mind. I had promised her, I had promised myself that I'd do this, and now I had failed. And I didn't know how to fix it.

I stood up from the chair I was stationed in during the commercial break, my heart pounding in my chest. I couldn't focus on anything else but Mariah. I knew I had messed up. The words felt wrong, they didn't come out the way they should have. I wanted to fix it, to apologize, to tell her everything, but the time never felt right.

Gil walked over to me, his face hard. He was upset, and I could tell by the tone of his voice. "Mariah is not happy," he said, his voice firm.

"I know, I fucked up," I muttered, my hands trembling slightly. I couldn't make sense of my own actions. Why couldn't I just be honest with the world?

"You think?" Gil snapped back, his frustration boiling over. "You had one job, Janet." He raised his voice, and I could feel the heat of his words.

The crew, still setting up, turned their heads in our direction. The tension in the air thickened.

"Gil, keep it down," I whispered, glancing around nervously. "I'm still at work. Where is she?"

"She's backstage in the dressing room. She was about to leave, but Kelly and I went looking for her. She was on her way outside, but we convinced her to come back. It wasn't easy." His words hung heavy, his disappointment cutting deeper than any harsh criticism.

A crew member approached and gave me a gentle but firm nudge. "Janet, we're about to start again."

I nodded, not really hearing what they said. My mind was still with Mariah, and I didn't want to be sitting back in that chair. "Okay," I whispered, my voice tight. I took one last look at Gil, who was still angry, his eyes full of frustration.