Impossible Admiration

1:00a.m thoughts

I see visions of you and me dancing in my mind, dancing and music and it makes me rhyme, I go back, to my past with you hugging me, tight, the sun beaming and the light golden, the smell of nostalgia so pungent, those moments stolen, a silent deadly kiss of memories and love which only in my mind exists.

Nobody would have to know of the secret backdoor to my memory, a place so quiet and still, it stops all time, the only thing that can be heard here is the never ending chime, that tick of the clock, like the one in our old house. The one I would always look at to know how far I am along, like a ticking time bomb with no escape, this too was our unexplainable fate.

It takes me back, to the future I  meticulously crafted, your hand in mine, matching outfits, happy smiles, and family together in our prime, a fun life, imperfect but whole, but to myself, this I console, like a soft haunting dream, it's beautiful it seems, but I should remind myself,  it also ends in time, just on time, for you to wake up, for you to get ready, because it never really mattered, it was silly, but was it really, truly?

You were always gonna be that temporary person, they say, that lesson, that first love, the overrated descriptions, the character growth, the one who would lose, the kind of people authors would write about, if so they choose, but to me you were my  key, from the person I wrote about, the person I wanted to be, to my past, present, and future story, the main chapter, my favorite one, you are the only one who made me radiate brighter than the sun.

Yes, you! You were the one I wanted to fight life with, I wanted you by my side through joy and fear, sadness and blue, color my life with all your hues but for now,
I'm afraid, of living in the present, my head is heavy with thoughts of you, which is surprisingly unpleasant. It physically hurts my head, I'm overthinking all in bed, the million different ways this could go wrong, and you have given me more than 3 to count along, I remember before, last year, how I rehearsed it all in my head, list all the things you hate about him, all the things you dread:

I started with one, your sensitivity, how you would pull away when something felt wrong so easily, I counted two, your ego and insecurities, how you loved them more than you loved me, and how that house went crashing down a hill with not so much of an eviction, notice or plea. I counted three, your beginning, your origin story, but I couldn't blame you for something you were learning to be set free, and I stopped there because I forgot to count, all your imperfections, all your misery.

I didn't notice it when I should have, I started to count the good, every imperfect perfect thing, because they were so genuinely misunderstood So I stood, dumb founded, shocked with restraint, as I started to think about., you again in my different way, your strength, to try to change, when no one was there and all those demons of yours you faced, your kindness, and care something anyone could easily, replicate but could they? Of your voice and your patience and the way you challenged me to think, of your mind, of your ignorance of how I'm not a perfect saint, you broke my scales, just as you did my heart, justice was never served, and I may not be the judge at your unfair court, but I was the sole victim and witness to a murder of some sort.