heartstopper in the future

Lily, darling, it's not Okay

TW: eating disorder, panic attack, self harm, fainting, sex, lime (light smut)

Charlie POV: 

Lily, Adrian and Jack gets home by the bus today, once they get in the door we call Lily into the living room and tell her to sit down 

"Lily.." I start, I take a deep breath before continuing "you know we love you so much right?" I ask, she nods "and latly we been seeing some changes in your behaviour. We have seen your eating habits change" 

"Nothing wrong with me!" Lily says quickly, cutting me of 

"And we're not saying it is, because it's not. But it's something we wanted to talk to you about" Nick says, quickly glancing at me

"We just wanted to ask if there's a specific reason to why your doing this, is someone telling you that you have to do this?" I ask, trying to sound as gentle as I can, Lily looks at me for a moment before answering 

"Kind of, I guess I'm just telling myself that I don't deserve the food." She whispers, I take her hands into mine and give her an encouraging smile "well I do deserve it but it's just some places I can't. I'm not allowed to have breakfast on weekdays, only on weekends, and it has to be something small like some yoghurt, a smoothie or just some crackers." She tells us and I can see tears welling up in her eyes "Lunch at school is a big no, if I'm home from school on a weekday  because I'm sick I can eat, but it has to be warm. If it's some sort of plain pasta that's good, but the best is instant chicken noodles" she tells us, it's like she has a whole system in her head about this "and well dinner I always eat. But I have to try and eat as little as possible whiteout it bringing attention to it." She explains 

"Oh lily, do you have any other rules?" Nick asks her, she looks up at him

"It's not rules" she whispers "it's just a routine, I just can't break it. Then everything will fall apart. The whole rest of my life can be different if I actually eat my lunch in school, everything I have worked so hard for, all the food I have stayed away from, all the times I have said I'm not hungry, all of it will go to waste" she say, panicking, her breath gets heavy and she looks pale, suddenly she snaps out if it and goes back to normal 

"Why didn't you tell us about it before?" I ask her softly and calmly 

"I couldn't, I can't. I can't say anything before I faint" i look questionable at her "If I faint it will be real, if I don't I'm just attention seeking." Lily explains, a tear slipping from her eye "than I'm not an attention seeking teenage girl that feels fat and hates her body, cus I don't, I don't have a big problem with my body most day. There ofcourse some here and there, but everyone can feel a bit uncomfortable in their body sometimes" she explains, her voice shaking 

"How did you come up with this routine?" Nick asks her quietly, as if he's afraid of saying something wrong. Lily's face softens a bit, like she wanted us to ask her that 

"I don't really know, but I do know that I haven't eaten lunch at school since after the first week of this school year. In the start it was more of a challenge, and a want" she tells us, trying to make eye contact with us, but not really being able to 

"What kind of want?" I ask her

"The want to faith" she whispers, and I feel my eyes water 

"Why?" I ask her

"You know that one time I fainted at the dentist when he pulled my tooth, when I was ten?" She asks, both me and Nick nod "well when I was unconscious every thing was so quiet, I felt peaceful" she admits "but I don't want to die!" She says quickly "I just want to feel that peace for a few seconds, I don't want my mind to always race, I don't want it to keep me up at night, I don't want it to cus me to have silence panic attack, or not silenced for that matter.  I just want it to be quiet" she says, tears falling from her eyes, as if she's just now realising how bad it is