Stolen Kisses, Pretty Lies

~Chapter 20~

My skin was crawling as we sat down for lunch. Midnights had decided to join us, with a little reassurance from me helping influence her decision.

It was a relatively warm day, a slight unwanted wind causing goosebumps to prickle at my legs.

I sat down next to Midnights, with Folklore on my left and Reputation and Lover facing me. My friends dug into their lunches of leftover pasta, store-bought last minute sandwiches, and packets of chips. The sight was slightly overwhelming, especially since I knew that someone here knew and could mention it. Just... not exactly verbally.

Midnights nudged me, her expression one of concern and awareness of the situation. I gave her a small shrug, my face apologetic. I didn't want to talk about it, of course. I wanted to forget about it and move on. Why couldn't she just forget it? It had been a while, anyway. It was a completely unnecessary thing to remember.

Breaks at school were the worst, and since my dad was returning from his work trip today, mealtimes at home were about to become a lot harder to navigate.

I had stared at myself in the mirror that morning, eyes raking over my body. It was... odd. A small flicker of pride had ignited when I'd lifted my oversized tee, and seen a flat stomach. But I didn't look like myself anymore. I'd broken out, despite keeping up with my skin care routine every night. My legs looked unnaturally thin, my hips bony, and collarbone prominent. I'd swallowed. Somehow despite gaining everything I wanted, I'd lost sight of who I thought I was. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see 1989. I saw a shell caging a weak spirit and a physique of nothing but pale skin and bones. I was disgusted.

So now when I looked around at my friends, I felt sick with anxiety. Even Midnights looked more human than I did, and she had everything so much worse. I was brought up fine. Sure, a tad of mommy issues from the lack of mother figure in my life, but I had a loving dad, and everything I needed to grow up healthy and happy. But even then, I still fucked everything up.

Why couldn't I just be grateful for what I had and not be such an insecure freak who can't even maintain a normal living style? Why couldn't I just focus in class and work hard and get good grades like Lorie did? Why couldn't I push myself and learn to open up to my friends and stand up for what I believe in like Rep does? Why can't I be kind and inspiring and gorgeous like Lover is? And why can't I just be a strong person like Midnights?

Why the fuck did I have to be me?

Tears pricked at my eyes as I directed my gaze to the dirt beneath my Converse, an overwhelming surge of self hatred gushing through my veins. I balled my hands into fists around my large hoodie, hands shaking as I fought to maintain control over myself. I couldn't crack, not in front of them.

Grinding my teeth, I felt a hand touch my arm. I looked up, and Midnights' gaze caught my eye. I tried to look away, but found my attempts futile. Midnights' eyes would always have the ability to control mine.

Her hand travelled down my arm until it reached my hand, where she gently uncurled my fingers and intertwined them with hers. A tear slipped from my eye and I quickly wiped it away with my other sleeve.

Midnights held out her hand, offering me something. It wasn't much, just a small, measly cracker. I took it, feeling flavouring dust coat the pads of my index finger and thumb. All it would take is for me to put the small morsel in my mouth, chew, and swallow.

I thought about it, and immediately my head was screaming at me, terrified. I told myself it was stupid, that I had control over my body, not my anxiety.

Dread filled me when the anxiety completely overpowered my urge to just eat it, so Midnights would worry less. But I couldn't. For some reason, I just couldn't. And that was the worst feeling I'd ever experienced.

Of course I didn't want to eat the cracker. It was full of calories, sugars, salts, and all the unhealthy chemicals. I would never in a thousand years want that anywhere near my body.

I pushed it back into Midnights' hand, who shook her head and curled my fingers around it. Her eyes were large, pleading, and it broke my heart. But nothing would change my mind.

"I can't, Mid," I whispered. My words were genuine.

Midnights nodded encouragingly. I wanted her words. Her voice had got me through the last meal. Fuck, I'd eaten popcorn that last night we'd sat together. And it was so much easier.

"Please," Midnights mouthed. Though silent, it was clear she was begging.

I shook my head again, on the brink of breaking down. More tears rolled down my cheeks, and my breathing was shaky. Noticing, Midnights got to her feet, stuffing her lunch rubbish in her bag and offering me her hand.

Gratefully, I took it. It was a guarantee that everyone in our friend group was suspicious, but if they said anything I didn't hear. Unfortunately, my guilt didn't outweigh my emotional turmoil.

Leading me away and into a small area surrounded by trees, Midnights kept her hold on me. We headed towards a bench, my heart beating quickly and throat dry. Swallowing a thick wad of saliva, I wasn't granted mercy by my aching throat. Tears fell faster, and I knew I was on the brink of a full breakdown. We crossed the grass, walking quickly, breeze ruffling my hair.

Midnights' grip on my hand was tight, as if I'd drift away if she let me go. And honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if I did.

~~

I feel like this is really boring I'm sorry 😭