Changed {Martin Garrix Fanfiction}

Chapter 44

Chapter Forty Four - I Do Trust You

- Madeline's POV - 

It takes me some strength to open my eyes fully. I'm blinded by the light for a moment and I turn away from the window, to my right. I feel around with my hand and I just feel the bed sheets. I blink a few times, clearing my vision. I see that, much to my disappointment, Martin is not there. Where is he at? 

I lay there for a second, trying to think where he could have gone. Two possible reasons stick in my head; he could be showering or getting breakfast. I hug his pillow against my arms, inhaling his scent that has been marked onto the fabric. I almost laugh at the gesture because I probably look like a crazy girlfriend who is missing someone too much. Even though we aren't dating, I can still miss him and his warmth. His protection. It's something I have found that I crave. 

I still don't know what we are. He's expressed many times that he doesn't like relationships, but more than not, it feels like we have at least a strong connection. When we kiss and when he touches me, I feel fire running through my veins. Something I have never felt with someone before. I don't know what that means or why I'm so scared, but that stupid 'L' word keeps floating in my head. No shut it Mads, you don't even know what love is, I scold to myself. 

I guess a few reasons I'm scared is that one; I haven't known him for that long. A little more than two months to be exact. Even with little crushes back home, I never got this attached to them. Which leads me to believe that whatever I have with Martin, isn't so little. 

Another reason I'm scared is because he has this wall built up; too damn high for me to get over. Sometimes, I feel like I'm giving more than him. I know he cares about me and I hope that he would never do anything to hurt me, but I just can't feel some disappointment. 

The last reason is because, there isn't that much time left here. What are we going to do? What am I going to do? I can't imagine just never talking to him again. 

After about ten minutes of overthinking myself, I end up snapping out of it. I sit up from the bed, stretching my back a little. I glance around the room, feeling slightly alone. My eyes travel to my right to his nightstand and they land on the familiar brown level of Martin's journal. 

I feel a nervousness settle in my stomach, but I can't help but feel more tempted than ever. Without thinking twice, I reach over and grab the journal. I take in a deep breath before I open it. My eyes scan over the words of Martijn Garritsen, before I begin to flip through some of the pages. 

As I remember, some of the entires were in Dutch while others were in English. I get to one that I read before, about 'he's gone and it's all my fault'. What does that mean? I flip back a couple of pages to an English one. 

Entry 45, July 12th, 2013, Martijn Garritsen 

I find myself having impulses that I can't seem to control. I've done it a few times before, but holy fuck. I have no problem in finding distractions, but still, I want more. I don't know what to do anymore.