Help Me God

Good Morning

I jolt up. Cold sweat covering my forehead. My breathing quickens. Tears pour down my face leaving hot streams down my cheeks. Why want I enough? Why did she say she lived me then try to kill me? How do you blame a four year old for the leaving of a parent. My mother can't blame me for my fathers leaving. Why did she shoot me? How could she?
I dont care. I dont. How could I possibly care. Its not a question. I wouldn't know their names if Mrs.Johnson didn't say it sometimes. I dont know where Tim, my biological father, is. Kaylee was buried but I didn't go to her funeral. Its been eleven years since then. I turn and look at the clock. Its red numbers blind me. They read 5:30. But before I think of going back to sleep a knock comes at my door.
"Scarlet its time to wake up. There is a bathroom down the hall. Feel free to take a shower."
Mrs.Dodgers voice echoes through my room. I get up and gather some clothes. Opening my door I walk toward the end of the hall. But Austin bumps into me.
"Oh sorry. Didn't know you were up," he looks at me, "hey Scar you ok? Your shakin."
I hold out my hand and look at it. Oh I didn't notice.
"Uh yea Im fine."
"Bad dream?"
"Yea thats all."
"Well um sorry. We eat at around 6:20 and the bus picks us up around 6:35. But were one of the first ones she picks up."
I nod my head and make my way towards the bathroom.
***
I walk into the kitchen and Austin is sitting at the table. Hes eating oat meal. Another bowl sits next to him. I go and sit next to him and grab the spoon. I shovel in a mouthful of oat meal and it is pretty good stuff I tell you.
We both head out the door. I look down the long gravel road they call a drive way. Flashes of last nights nightmare pop in my head. We both continue walking. I remember that night so easily. It was only four days after my Tim left. Kaylee was a wreck. Now I know why she smelled of that putrid smell. She was drunk. Just as Tim always was.
"Woah. Scar stop."
I stop moving and look around. Im standing in the road. I back up and mumble a thanks to him.
"Are you ok?"
Very unconvincingly I wave my hand and say, "Yea."
"Your dream?"
Reluctantly I nod my head.
"You wanna talk bout it?"
Before I can respond red and white lights flash through the fog.
"We can talk later. Right now you should meet my friends."
Austin says as he waits for the big yellow bus to stop in front of us. The doors swing open. A middle aged woman sits in the drivers seat. Her graying hair waves down to her shoulders. She looks at me. Then looks at Austin.
"Hey there Austin."
"Howdy. Mrs.Carrol."
"Is this the new addition to the Dodger family?"
"Yes ma'am this is Scarlet," Austin turns to me, "This is Mrs.Carrol."
"Nice to meet you Scarlet."
"To you as well Mrs.Carrol."
We walk up the steps. I follow Austin to an empty seat. He signals for me to sit on the inside. Gladly I take the inside. He sits and turns toward me. Then a girl taps on his shoulder. Her long brown hair has a red tint to it. She is dressed in a dress and sandals. Her dress is short in the front and long in the back. She looks about 4'9. She isn't very tall.
"Hey Austin. Who is this?"
She signals to me.
"Oh this is Scarlet. Scarlet meet Allyson. She is a friend of mine. I think she is in the class that Im not in with you. Uhh dont know much to tell you. She's nice. Shes-"
"Short. Im short. The class we have together is drama. Do you like acting?"
"Um I guess. I haven't ever really done any acting before."
She dont seem bad I guess but Im not sure about her.
I turn to the back of the bus. I see some kids crouched down.i know who they are. They're the druggies of the school. Most buses have some in the back. I memorize the faces for later. I dont have to see what theyre doing to know that they are smoking cigarettes they may have some alcohol. I won't smoke cigarettes. Tobacco isn't very strong to me. I do drink. They probably dont have anything I want. But so long as I know who they are i can see who they get this stuff from.
I could probably be a cop, Im very observant. But honestly I have no interest in them. I've been in the back of a cop car. I avoid them as much as I can though. I turn back to Allyson and Austin. But Allyson is leaned back in her seat listening to music through her earbuds and Austin is looking at me.
"I know who you were looking at. Im not letting you do that. I've heard of you. The security worker told us. You have the nasty habit to smoke inject and drink. Let me tell you mom and dad won't send you away just cause your high. So trying to get away like that won't work. You were placed in my classes so that I could keep an eye on you."
Austin looks at me with a face i have never seen before. The nice country boy look is gone. He looks at me with a face of, not disgust or pity, more like he is warning me to watch it.
I nod my head.
"I dont get high to escape foster care homes."
"Then why do you get high?"
He ask like he doesn't understand it at all.
"Because I like it."
He looks disgusted now. He quickly changes his mood.
"So uhh what did you dream about last night?"
"My parents."
I reply bluntly.
"I haven't heard anything about them. Do you wanna talk about them?"
I stiffen. All my joints lock in place. I stare dumbfoundly at the seat in front of us. Visions of blood and sounds of gunshots fill my head. I see Tim and Kaylees faces. Or what I remember of them. Kaylees insane face and Times stern face looking forward facing away from me. "I love you sweetie you know that." Repeats over and over in my head like a broken record.
"Scarlet? Im sorry I shouldn't of asked. You dont have to tell me anything."
I hear Austin's voice but I dont react. I know he is looking at me.
"Hey Scarlet you ok," Allysons voice fills my head, "What's wrong with her?"
An arm wraps around my shoulders. I dont acknowledge it. To me it feels just like another weight on my shoulders. A sweet whisper fills my ear.
"Scarlet. Its ok. Youre here now. I won't let anything happen to you. Scar?"
Soon I turn and look at him. Sinking into his green eyes. For a second believe him. This is my family. Then I think more on reality. No it went last. Enjoy it while you can cause dont any body want you. Not even your own parents want you.
Tears start to brim my eyes. I turn away and wipe them.
"Thanks."
I say barely audible.
"You dont have to thank me. Im your brother."
And for that minute. That short while when Im in his arms. I allow myself to believe it.