Two months. Two full months; eight weeks, and sixty-two days that Harry’s been gone. It’s been a wild trip without him; Leah mostly. She sent me the video I’ve done; I regret doing, telling Harry that I could do so much better and that he’s not the guy for me. I look cruel and bitter, and I ended up being so wrong about everything. I thought once Harry was gone for tour he’ll be more distant and it’ll be easier to just break his heart and I wouldn’t have to live in this regret and grief. But turns out he’s more of a loyal boyfriend than I thought he would be; he called every time before and after the concerts, texted me every chance he had and we’d video chat with each other when he had his days off. When he had his days off, I would be in school for most of the day then I’ll come home and video chat with him. He’ll always suggest getting me a tutor so I could be on tour with him and he wouldn’t have to miss me too much; I told him I didn’t need a tutor, I was in my second year of university and I’ll be with him soon. It’s more difficult than I thought; having someone who’s always traveling, having someone who you have to break their heart and you realized you really don’t want to. As much as I tried to ignore Harry so I could have some space and actually think about breaking his heart, I knew I couldn’t because all I wanted to do was just hear his voice and speak to him and hug him and have him hold me and we could just stay like that all night and fall to sleep together. But Leah’s basically holding my love life against me; I could either tell Harry the truth; I was going to break your heart and make sure no one ever dates you again, but then I realized how much I actually care for you and I want to see more of you. Or I could actually break his heart and risk the fact that I might actually be in love with him.
I’ve been counting down the last two months, waiting for it to come so I could be with Harry and I could have time to myself to think. Relax in California and New York and Texas and just take a breather and think about what I really want or a way to get out of anything. I’ve packed everything I needed, a bunch of clothes and a couple of pairs of sneakers; some underwear and bra’s dresses. Toothbrushes, socks, jewelry I might want to wear, hats; everything I could think of, not one textbook or notebook because it was spring break and I wanted and needed time alone, no stress or anything. It took me a month to convince my father to let me actually go back to the States and with a boy; after a while my dad told me he trust me and if I fuck up, he’s going to kill me, but he trust me enough to actually go to all over America with a teenage pop star boyfriend of mine. I love my dad and he helps for everything except for actually giving me a direct answer; when I ask him what I should do he tells me I should do what’s best and what my heart tells me to do, but that doesn’t help. I want a direct answer, I think you should break his heart and get it over with, whatever happens, happens. Or I think you should just block out Leah and stay with Harry because it could possibly change your life if you stay with him.
I walked down the stairs bringing my suitcase with me, it’s not too big, but it’s pretty heavy. I had cold feet and I didn’t really want to go, but there was no backing down now. Harry would be at the airport waiting for me and I have to go and go on tour with him. My dad was waiting for me in the car, so I went out and left my stuff in the back and sat in the passenger’s side. It was pretty quiet between the both of us because I knew my dad didn’t really want me to leave for spring break; he had ideas on what we could do, go to the pools, and go hiking or something. But this spring break I’m going to America and I’m going on tour with my boyfriend. It will never sound normal to me and if I do stay with Harry I guess I have to get used to it. Going on tour with my boyfriend. Going on tour with my boyfriend. Yeah, I won’t get used to that anytime soon.
“Have you decided what you’re going to do with the whole heart breaking situation?” My dad asked, he tried to act nonchalant with it, but it didn’t work for me because I knew my dad like the back of my hand and he wanted to know what I was going to do.
