Blue Kisses

Chapter 16

My alarm rings, but I don't bother with the snooze button or turning it off. I let the noise fill the silence that hangs heavy in my room. The bed is cold beneath me, and the air outside my covers is even colder. My heartbeat pounds louder than the alarm, and I focus on it, waiting for the moment it stops.

Mom enters, but her words are drowned out by the thumping in my chest. She turns off the alarm, pulls the covers from me. The chill of the room bites into my skin, and instinctively, I grab the covers back, wrapping them around me.

"What are you doing?" she says. "You need to get up and get ready for school."

"I can't," I murmur, barely above a whisper. "I'm sick."

Sick. Does being lovesick count?

Mom slides the covers off my face and presses the back of her hand to my forehead. "You're a little warm," she says, her voice soft but concerned. "Do you want to go to the doctor?"

"No, Mom. I don't want to go anywhere. I need rest," I complain, pulling the covers back over my head with a sigh. Am I really sick?

"Okay," she says reluctantly. "Stay in bed today. I'll bring you water and tea—you need to stay hydrated."

She leaves, and I'm alone again, wrapped in the quiet that feels too heavy to bear. I can't do this. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere. What happens now? Will I ever be able to speak to Alice and Joshua the way we used to? Will they drift away from me, and the only connection I'll have to them will be through Lucy? Lucy will tell me about their new lives—when they move away together, where they go to college, maybe even when they get married. Years later, she'll show me pictures of their wedding, the one they never invited me to. Then there will be a baby, with curly brown hair and soft brown eyes, and I won't know where I fit into it. Where will I be when all of that happens? I can't even picture it.

I let hours pass by of my bed spinning in my room until a dull ache pulses through my head, too loud for comfort. I sit up, hoping the change in position will ease the pounding in my skull. I notice the tea my mom made sits untouched on my nightstand. The tea bag's still in the cup, the ceramic mug now cold. How long has it been there? I take a sip anyway. The cool, bitter taste of black tea lingers on my tongue. Messages from Lucy, Alice, and—surprisingly—Joshua pop up on my phone but I don't care to read them. I've never skipped school before, never been sick enough to miss a day. I know they're probably worried about me, but I don't have the energy to care or the ability to look at the bright fluorescent screen.

I should've gone to school, or at least studying for my finals. But I can't focus. I can't think straight. I wish I'd told her how I felt. I should've told her last night, before she left me. I could've said, "Alice, don't go to prom with Joshua. Go with me instead. I want to be the one holding you all night, staring into your brown eyes. I want you to feel safe with me, to rest your head on my shoulder. It's me you should be going with." Maybe if I had confessed, she would've stayed. Maybe if I had been braver, things would be different. I thought I'd made it obvious. I thought she felt the same. But now I know.

Love was never meant for me. I'm destined for the same fate as my parents but I don't want to end up like my parents, I don't want love if it's not real. Maybe I'll just learn to be alone, to find peace in my own solitude. Because that's all I can believe in anymore. Then I hear it—the sound of something dripping. It's the first noise to break through the silence in what feels like hours. I glance out the window and see the rain. Without a second thought, I gently swing my legs over the edge of the bed. I make my way to the window, my bare feet brushing the cool floor. I open it carefully, letting the rain flow in. The cold drops kiss my skin, and for the first time today, a quiet peace settles over me, like the rain has washed away the noise in my mind.