Shadows of Yesterday

Chapter 18: Salt Under the Bridge

When Ben gave me a ride to school the next morning, it was like the previous night had never happened. He greeted me with a smile and a friendly, "Morning, Jackrabbit!"

A steaming coffee mug was slid into my hands as he started the car and backed out of the driveway. I cautiously took a sip from it, expecting a replication of Ben's usual diabetes-inducing morning beverages, but was pleasantly surprised when it tasted exactly the same as it did when I made it. "Thank you. How do you know how I like my coffee?" I asked, pleasantly confused.

"You're getting predictable in your old age," he teased with a chuckle.

I rolled my eyes. "If I'm old, then you're ancient."

"Alas, it's true," he joked with a dramatic sigh, "I'm the legal drinking age, practically a senior citizen. If we're not careful, I might blow away in the wind before your very eyes."

I scoffed and took a sip of my coffee, letting its warmth seep into my hands and body. It was easier than trying to face the elephant in the room, even if that room happened not to be a room at all. Easier than thinking about the way Ben had been one provocation away from completely losing it last night.

Still, I couldn't help the Liam-esque urge to pry at least a little bit. "You seem chipper this morning."

"Why wouldn't I be?" He replied easily. Too easily. "The sun is shining, fall weather is finally upon us, and my classes got cancelled for the day. It's the perfect morning, really."

"And last night?"

If I hadn't been looking, if I hadn't seen what I did last night, I wouldn't have noticed his hands tightening ever-so-slightly on the steering wheel. I wouldn't have bothered to see him swallow quietly, and I definitely wouldn't have felt the subtle shift in the atmosphere.

"What about last night?" His voice was just as light as before, only now, I could hear the tension under his optimism.

I sipped the coffee once more. "You seemed... un-Ben-like."

"What does that even mean?" He feigned playful confusion, like I had said something dumb, and he had to fulfill his role as my older brother by making fun of me for it.

"As if you don't know."

He briefly looked over at me and smiled. "I'm fine, Jackrabbit. Promise."

I still didn't believe him, but I let it go. If he didn't want to talk, then I didn't want to ask. Let him keep his secrets. The only person they seemed to be hurting was himself, and he could clearly handle himself better than I ever could.

Then, he gasped, said, "Holy crap, I love this song!" and turned up his radio's volume to an unhealthy level, and the conversation was effectively over, whether I wanted it to be or not.

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That afternoon, I was sitting in Chemistry, my mind still stuck replaying my conversations with Ben from the past two days. Worry was beginning to gnaw at my insides, which was a weird feeling for me. I wasn't used to being concerned about my brothers. Even if they didn't always handle themselves how I would have handled myself, I had always trusted them to at least keep themselves alive and functioning. 

I couldn't even tell if my concern was warranted or not. Clearly, Ben was doing fine. He got good grades, according to my parents, and he had a good social life outside of school. He still had enough sanity to find the humor in everything, so maybe he really was okay. Was I just overthinking it? Was I going crazy?

I tapped my pencil on my notebook as I thought. The paper in front of me was blank aside from the date, but that wasn't anything new. Every class, I would tell myself that today was the day I would start taking good notes. I would write out the date, line up my supplies as neatly as I cared to, and then start the period out determined to actually pay attention. And every class, I would inevitably fail.