Shadows of Yesterday

Chapter 31: The Cacophony of Silence

A/N: Another content warning for this chapter. If you choose to read on, I hope you enjoy :)

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After Declan left, my dad stood rooted to the kitchen floor, his furious expression slowly morphing into one tinged with deep regret. I could see in his deflating posture that the realization of everything he had just said was beginning to sink in for the first time. Every insult. Every implied blame. Every outright accusation. My mom didn't appear to be doing much better.

He slowly sank into his chair, burying his face in his hands with a deep sigh. My mom rubbed his back with a similarly exhausted expression. "That was a disaster," he mumbled.

I swallowed, the lump in my throat making it hard to breathe. That was the understatement of the century. I hadn't heard anyone in my family--immediate or otherwise--acknowledge the things that happened six years ago in that much detail since, well... ever. 

My legs joined Ben's in bouncing nervously beneath the table. It felt like someone had hollowed out my stomach and put rocks in it, then decided to do the same to my heart while they were at it. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. How could we come back from an argument like that?

Ben attempted a weak smile. "Well. At least it's over, right?"

My parents just sighed again. His smile waned and then completely disappeared.

I sank down into my seat, trying to join my brother's try at an upbeat attitude in nonexistence. Maybe if I went down far enough, I could sink low enough that the suffocating weight of this silence would leave me behind.

Ben tried a different tactic. "Is anyone... going after him?"

My dad shook his head. "What's the use? It's not like he would come willingly anyways. You know your brother--he's as stubborn as a mule."

The only response was a hum of acknowledgement and Ben awkwardly averting his gaze. His eyes held the weight of essays he would never write and speeches he would never give, and his pursed lips seemed to be holding back a flood of things he couldn't take back. I wasn't sure I would have liked to hear them, anyway.

It was like the argument hadn't changed a thing. Declan and my father had been more vicious than I'd ever heard them before, had said things that couldn't be taken back, and yet here we sat, as uselessly avoidant as ever. No apologies. No making amends. No apparent attempts to right what had been knocked akilter. It was a physical pressure that forced its way into my lungs until it took all my focus just to keep breathing.

I slid my phone out of my pocket and shot Liam a text to come get me, desperate for any excuse to get away from here. How I would pretend Homecoming was still the biggest thing on my mind once he got here, I didn't know, but I would find a way. I had to.

The sad irony of me dealing with the present situation by finding a way to escape it wasn't lost on me.

"Jax," my mom said tiredly, "no devices at the table, please."

That nickname shot an arrow straight through my chest, especially after the conversation we'd just gotten done with. "Don't call me that," I whispered in a weak voice.

She sighed again. "Please, just... don't. Not now. Not after... that."

My phone went back into my pocket, and the kitchen sank back into heavy silence. Just like almost every other time I'd been in this house, the only sounds were the clock on the wall and the hum of the refrigerator. Somehow, that made me feel more alone than if I really had been here by myself.