Downside Up

Chapter Three (Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall - Simon&Garfunkel)

The water brushed against my head whilst I swam through the pool in our backyard. My thoughts were a mess and I couldn't think of any other way to calm them down, then by swimming.

The memories of the party, we hosted a few days ago, kept coming back to my mind. It was different from the others, way different and I didn't want to get reminded of it. Of my thoughts and the things, that I did.

Everyone had come - all our YouTube friends that live in the LA area, some of their friends and some strangers, that managed to find their way inside the house. It was a blast, everyone was enjoying themselves, not to mention the amount of alcohol, that we had been drinking.

And Tyler drank more than anyone.

Tyler is the "queen", the queen of YouTube if not the whole universe and everyone had to bow down when he entered the room. Of course many people say he's very down to earth and most times he is, but when he's drunk, Tyler not only hears that he's the queen. He believes it. And with that believe he thinks, that he can do whatever he wants to.

He had lost his boyfriend a while ago - they had been together for almost a year, but after Tyler spend more and more time with YouTube, they broke up. As a closer friend, I knew that he had his one-night stands, but he still searched for a partner, that he could wake up to any morning.

This night he targeted us. Ricky, Kian and me. He knew, that all of us were straight. He knew that none of his flirts would appeal to us. But he still tried.

Kian and Ricky laughed about it, of course, but I felt more than uncomfortable. Because he made me realize, that after years of fighting against it, this tiny little part of me still existed.

I dove until the bottom of the pool and sat down with crossed legs. Why was it still there and kept coming back? What had I done to deserve this?

I'm sure the other guys realized. My reaction, how I blushed and started stuttering and how I ran away for no obvious reason.

Tyler was my friend and I never ever thought that I would think about him in another way. He was way too noisy and dominant. His bubbly personality was like mine, we could have tons of fun, just giggling together for hours straight, but still we were just friends and not more. It was something about this whole situation, that messed me up.

I made my way back up, to fill my lungs with fresh air. Maybe it would help if I'd just ignored that night. 'That? Oh man, I was so drunk, I can't remember anything!' I considered it for a second, but I knew, that this wasn't going to help.

My viewers had noticed months ago, that I wasn't feeling too well. To be honest: it all started years ago. I thought that I had managed to get over this phase, but still it came back.

The feelings I shouldn't feel, the thoughts that made me go crazy. The wishes, that felt so strange, but still like they came right from my heart.

In a few years time, I would have to go to lunatic asylum because of it. And I really didn't want to. It would not only ruin my career, but also myself and I didn't want that to happen.

I needed to talk to someone. Someone that could help me out of this. Someone that was kind enough to not tell anyone until I was ready. Until I knew what was going on and until I was confident enough to make it an official part of myself.

I went back inside and found a text message from JC on my phone, telling me, that they had gone out for dinner and couldn't find me, so they left without me. Normally I would've been upset, because they could've known, that I was outside, swimming in the pool, but today I was glad that I was left alone. I didn't want to tell any of the boys what's been going on in my mind. They were good friends, but they wouldn't understand me.