Downside Up

Chapter Seven (Without You - Oh Wonder)

I was not gonna lie: My life at the O2L house was like an everlasting class trip. I spend all my time together with five of my best friends and made money through making videos – how crazy was that?

For breakfast, we would eat whatever we desired – donuts, pancakes, ice cream or steak. No one was there to judge and tell us, that we were eating the wrong things at the wrong time and that this was totally unhealthy. If one of the other guys commented on my food then only because they wanted to try some of it or because they just then realised, that they were totally starving.

For dinner and lunch we'd go out or just skip the meal – if you live in an area, where there's a 24/7 pizza delivery or where you can get a takeaway whenever you want, you use that opportunity.

Kian, JC, Ricky, Trevor, Sam and I had the time of our lifes. Playing video games with one of your mates at one in the morning was just as casual to us as attempting parties and clubs every evening. No day was like the one before.

LA was crazy. The city is full of life and energy, most people have huge smiles one their faces, the air is filled with sunshine and the smell of sweets or deep fried food. Just at the edge of the city nature starts blooming, the Hollywood hills are always good for a hike and you'll find things, that take your breath away just by stepping outside the door. There were tons of flowers, palm trees, butterflies, pretty birds, cute animals, the beach and the ocean.

Every morning when I woke up and looked outside my window I was astonished by the beauty of nature and the town I was able to life in. How could it be, that a small boy from La Crescent in Minnesota could afford a life in the city of angels – just by being silly on the Internet?

All the opportunities YouTube and the life in LA brought along were amazing though I missed home from time to time. To me, home was my family, the place where everyone loved me for who I am. Well, for who they thought I'd be. But who was I?

Was I a coward, a faggot hiding from the world?

Was I a man who loved men just as women?

Was I just having an existential crisis?

I wasn't sure, actually: I had no clue. All I wanted was to live my life to its fullest with no worries and no regrets.

But I did regret thinking of Troye the way I did the other night. I did regret reacting so panicked when Tyler tried to hit on us. At least that's what my mind told me over and over again. But did I?

Maybe I didn't. Maybe I only regretted rejecting Graces suspicions. Because she was right. We both knew but somehow I still felt bad for lying to her. For lying to myself for so long.

I thought about going on a walk – back at home it would always help me to clear my thoughts. I would walk for miles only to turn around and take the same road back to the place where I used to live. The cold air never failed to cool my mind and the constant walking gave my something to do whilst worrying about what might or could be.

Just at that moment I heard JC screaming something I didn't catch. Quickly I grabbed my jacket before walking towards the door, where I suspected him to be. Eventually, I found all of the boys in the living room. Kian, Trevor, Sam and Ricky had decided to watch some sort of action movie, but they weren't really paying attention being clutched to their phones. JC had just returned from a meeting and was talking about this sick club he had heard about and tried to convince the others to go there along with him tonight.

When the words "club" and "party" fell I jumped, realising that this would be an even better way to get my thoughts off my mind. Drowning your sorrows in alcohol isn't the best way to deal with them, but for a moment it's fine and I could be carefree for once. It took me only a few seconds to confirm that I was going to come along and after I did the other boys agreed as well and it took us not much longer to get out of the house.