Shauna Diaries

Change Of Plans

I woke up and brushed my teeth, did my make up, and curled my hair. I put on a tight dress and heels and was on my way out the door when I remembered Ray's letter. Remembering this completely stopped me in my tracks, instead of standing there in a trance I put it in my purse and walked out the door.

"What's been up with you bitch? We haven't met up in almost three weeks!" Meeka said looking through her menu. We always met up and had breakfast at least twice a week, but I've been so busy lately I haven't had any time for her.

"Girl between work and Lee I don't know which one demands more time." I said drinking my water.

"I'm liking Lee, the fact that I haven't heard anything bad about him lets me know he's a good one."

"Girl he really is I'm just trying to take my time with him right now though, I don't want to rush into anything."

"I understand how you feel do what you feel is best."

"I have to talk to you about something that just came up, I really don't know how to handle it."

"Wassup? It might be rude but it'll be good advice." She said laughing, I laughed too because she was so blunt but honest and heartfelt at the same time.

"So yesterday I got a letter from Ray and he's in jail girl! You know I don't check my mail until I'm about to go to bed so last night after checking my emails I see a letter that had a name I didn't recognize but it was addressed to me so I opened it and found out it was from Ray."

"Well bitch what did it say?"

"To get straight to the point Shanterrica lied about the baby being his, she turned him in to the Feds, and now he don't know who to turn to or trust."

"Bitch this is too much! I can't even feel sorry for him because he brought this upon himself, maybe this will teach him not to cheat and get other bitches pregnant. Shit he better hope his "bitch" in the pin don't cheat on him." She said laughing so loud people started looking at our table.

"This is serious Meeka I don't know what to do or how to take this."

"The only reason he wrote you is because he heard how successful you are and he's trying to beat a case. He doesn't care about you Shauna, the only thing he cares about is his freedom and right now he's desperate to save it. Its been two years why do you feel like you need to go back when you've came so far? You don't owe him shit so if he tried to pull that card that's some bullshit."

"My loyalty runs so deep though Meeka. I can't help but be loyal to him and be there when he needs me, I can't just turn my back on him now."

"Do you think his loyalty runs deep for you? Remember what happened the last time he saw you, let me refresh your memory, it involved your little ass and a wall! He don't give a fuck about you! That nigga was ready to drop you for another bitch that played his ass! Are you stupid? Bitch you need to get yo mind right cause you quick to play the fool to try to be "down" for a nigga. Was he down for you? You got stupidity confused with loyalty and it's a big difference between the two."

"Maybe it's just me but I thought when you see somebody down you suppose to help them up."

"That's true, but you don't do that for a person who left you down and out when you needed them the most."

    My conversation with Meeka replayed in my mind all day, I just didn't know what to do about this situation. I even cancelled lunch with Lee just to clear my mind, I told him to come by that night so we could talk and I could let him know why I was being so distant.
    Lee planned this get away for the two of us a couple months ago so today I planned on going to the doctor to make sure all of my shots were up to date before leaving the country. With Ray popping up and confusing me with that letter I definitely needed a vacation. I've never been on a vacation before, Ray used to always call our trips vacations but they always consisted of drugs and money, never just me and him. That's the one thing I loved about Lee, he never put his work before me, even though we weren't official I knew that he truly cared about me and would drop anything and anybody for me. With Ray I always questioned why was he really with me, I knew that he loved me because of everything that we went through together but I think he looked at me more as a loyal friend rather than a wife. I promised myself I would never deal with another person that didn't have good intentions for me and didn't know what they truly wanted from me.

   I've always hated going to the doctor since I was a teenager. My first boyfriend Omar kept me in the clinic, I got so many shots and pills because of him I was ashamed. The one thing my mama taught me was to always take care of my body, her favorite saying was "If you gone be a hoe don't be a dirty hoe, dirty pussy don't make no money, niggas like clean wet pussy". I heard that so much as a teenager I started to tell it to other girls I knew who was fucking all the niggas in the projects the way I was. I always felt that if I wasn't the hoe I used to be there is no way I would be the woman I am today.

"Shauna Baxter?" A nurse called from the window.

"That's me." I said standing up and walking toward the window.

"You can go to the first door to your right."

   When I walked in the room another nurse greeted me and told me to have a seat in the chair. She told me she would be taking my blood and after she would need to take a urine sample from me. After I was done I went back to the waiting area until it was time for me to be seen by the doctor.

"Miss Baxter Dr. Williams is ready to see you, it's going to be the third door to your left." The nurse called from the window.

    When I walked in the room my doctor was sitting on a stool flipping through my file, when he saw me enter he stood up and smiled.

"Hello, how are you today?" He said closing the file.

"I'm fine how are you?" I said giving him a sexy look, he was fine as hell so I knew I would be coming back to see him.

"I'm doing just fine, why are you here today?"

"I'm going out of the country in a week and I just wanted to make sure I was up to date on everything."

"Oh yes you're up to date on everything, we did find something though."

"It's a std ain't it? Just give me the shot doc."

"It's a little more serious than just a std."

"Herpes? HIV? AIDS? Which one let me know now."

"You're pregnant."

The last thing I remember is blacking out.