Shauna Diaries

Understanding

One Year Later
Life is full of unexpected events. One day you're feeling so high that you can't be touched, then a week later you're feeling lower than dirt. I for one have definitely seen some of the darkest days, but I've also seen the brightest days. One thing I've learned is without the dark days I wouldn't even know the bright days existed. Those storms help bring the sunshine that we love so dearly. I've learned to appreciate them both even when I don't understand them.
When I left Ray I was going through a storm. I felt like there was a tornado in my heart. I felt myself breaking down and tearing apart. I thought Lee was my sunshine. He came and made me feel so loved and wanted. At that point in my life I had everything I could ask for except someone to share it with; I thought he would fill that void. Instead of filling the void, he made it even bigger. I thought I'd felt it all, but nothing compared to finding out your lover and the father of your child was a homosexual on the down low. That's not something that you could ever prepare yourself for. During my time of healing I spoke with the only person I knew would understand my pain; my mama. I know most people always go to their mom when they need someone to lean on, but I never felt I could do that. She was always in the streets, we never had a genuine bond. I didn't go to her for her "motherly love", I went to her because she went through the same thing with my father. It was a hard process but with my mama, Meeka, and Ray I got through it.
Ray stood by my side throughout everything. He took a lot of shit from me without even complaining and for that I found a new form of love and respect for him. There were many nights that I took everything out on him, even blaming him for my situation. It wasn't his fault, and I made sure I let him know that. He accepted me at my absolute worse and still loved me like I was at my best. When I had my days that I couldn't get out of bed Ray ran my stores for me, and to show that he was done with the dope game he invested all of his money into my businesses. He completely runs my second store and we split everything down the middle.
As of now we're just dating. He moved into my condo with me, which I knew he would when Twon went back with his wife and kids. Shortly after Ray moved in my mama left and went back to the ghetto ass projects that she loves oh so much. She told me she would come whenever I needed her, but she can't be in the suburbs it's not where her heart is. Honestly I believe she won't leave because she's still holding on to my daddy's memory. I know she's heartbroken about his death, but she knows loyalty is everything and he wasn't built on those same morals so he had to go. More than anything Ray and I need each other, we complete one another. He's like the oxygen in my air, without him I would die.

"So when are you going to start planning the wedding?" Ray said pouring himself some orange juice.

"What wedding?" I said flipping through a catalog.

"OUR wedding Shauna! What the fuck kind of question is that? You got some you need to tell me? What? You don't plan on marrying me? I didn't give you that ring for nothing. Even when you gave it back those times I never sold it I always brought it back because that's how I feel about you. In my eyes and in my heart you more than just a bitch to me. You my woman, the only thing I know that's forever in this life of mine. I've felt that for years now, but if you don't feel that then let's stop wasting time."

"Well you surely have a way with words Ray." I said laughing.

"Oh it's funny? I'm a joke or some? You know what? I'm just gone go, fuck it Shauna! You know you can be a real fucked up person sometimes I want you to know that!" Ray said walking towards the front door.

"Ray wait! I didn't mean it like that just calm down, you didn't even let me finish my sentence!" I said running towards the door and standing in front of him.

"What Shauna?" He said taking steps back away from the door.

"Look, you know you're the most important person to me next to my mama. You're all I've known since I was a teenager. I hurt you and you've hurt me, but none of that could ever change the way I feel about you and you know that."

"So are you planning the wedding or not? That's all I wanted to know?"

"YES! We both agreed we don't want anything huge. It's just going to be both of our moms, Meeka, Twon, and his wife and kids."

"Man that's PERFECT! We can go right to the court house and do it. Then for our honeymoon we going to the Bahamas, I'll plan that."

"You sure you can plan that?" I said laughing.

"I got this, I know what you like." Ray said grabbing my ass and kissing me.

"Have a great day baby. If you need my help with anything just call me."

"Okay baby." Ray said grabbing his car keys and walking out of the door.

I ran to our bedroom, grabbed my phone, and called Meeka.

"Wassup girl?" Meeka said sounding like she was still asleep.

"Get up bitch we gotta go find my wedding dress I'm getting married!"