Shauna Diaries

Mama's Baby

I never thought that I would find myself back in Lake View, but here I am sitting in my car with my head on the steering wheel thinking about all that I went through here. I lost my virginity, got betrayed by my mama and boyfriend, I even started prostituting here. This was the last place on earth that I wanted to be right now, but I had to come back. I had to be there for my mama, even though she was never there for me.
My old friend Kacy somehow got in touch with me and told me I needed to come back home ASAP. She told me she been hearing bad things about my mama, real bad things, but she wouldn't tell me over the phone. She said I needed to come home and get it from the horse's mouth, so here I am ready to see what kind of fucked up situation my mama got herself into now.
I knocked on the door and she answered.
"Shauna? Baby is that really you? Oh my God Shauna it's you! It's really you! I thought these streets had got you and swollowed you when you never called or came home. I thought you was somebody's hoe or strung out on a drug or even worse, dead. Shauna I can't even stop talking I can't believe you really here and looking so good too!" She finally stopped talking when she started crying.

"Well mama are you going to invite me in?" I asked. It was cold and I had on heels.
The house looked a mess. It smelled like alcohol and febreeze, like when she heard me knocking she sprayed it to cover the smell. I could tell something was wrong with her, her whole vibe was off. Her wig looked crooked, cheap, and stiff. She looked worn out and drained. I hated to see her like this, it looked to me like she finally hit rock bottom and it was time for her to get a real job.
"Mama I'm gone be straight up with you I'm here because Kacy said the streets been talking and when it's about you it ain't nothing good being said. She wouldn't tell me exactly what it was though, so I'm here now tell me wassup so I can help you. I have money I can get you whatever you need." I said trying to sound as genuine as possible.

"I don't need nothing from nobody! I ain't no charity case, and as for Kacy tell that lil bitch to mind her business because the clients still coming in baby and business doing just fine on my block so don't listen to none of that. What matters is you home now, I missed you Shauna, you the only baby I got I don't want you to leave me again you can move in and live rent free just please don't leave Shauna." She said grabbing my hands and looking at me directly in my eyes.
"Mama are you seri-?". I got distracted by the marks I saw on her inner arm.

"What the fuck mama you shooting up? You doing heroine? Are you fucking serious?".
She grabbed her arm away and walked to the kitchen and poured her a glass of wine.
"You can't judge me Shauna. Everybody can't luck up and get a rich drug dealer like you, yeah I know about you the streets been talking about you too. You think you better than me? You don't know shit about everything I been through, when you left I had nothing left, nothing to live or hope for. I did it all for you! You left your mother, your flesh and blood behind a nigga! A nothing ass nigga that wanted to fuck yo' hoe mama for $50, ain't that some shit? Was it really worth it Shauna? Now you ask me why I do what I do, well for one I'm grown and can do whatever I want and for two it helped me cope with the fact that you was gone for 7 years without a simple phone call! You broke my heart Shauna! And your father came along and made it right, and this time we in it for the long haul Shauna. We living together and he treating me better than he ever did before."

"Mama I never meant to hurt you. I just had to find my own way and I did, I made it on my own. You did some dirty fucked up shit to me, you fucked my first boyfriend and never even apologized! And don't you DARE blame your addiction on me! I didn't stick the needle in your arm you did it yourself! I will NEVER feel sorry for you because you chose this lifestyle, not once have I ever seen you get a regular job, go to school, act like all of the regular mamas I seen growing up! You embarrassed me my entire life! You made me think that being a hoe was ok! And yes my FIANCÉ is a drug dealer, did you hear the key word? FIANCÉ! I got a MAN who loves me and wants to be with me, what do you have? A fucked up ass section 8 house and a heroine addiction! And now you back with my fucked up ass daddy, oh yes you deserve a damn hand clap because you are by far the most fucked up bitch I've ever met!"

"Fuck you Shauna! I should have aborted yo ass the second I found out I was pregnant you ungrateful bitch!"

"What is there to be grateful of? You never gave me shit!"

"Well since we being so "real" if yo' FIANCÉ "love" you so much why he got another bitch pregnant? That's one thing yo' daddy NEVER did to me! Think of that while you get the fuck outta my house!"

"You know what I been ready to leave since I entered this nasty ass parking lot fuck you!"

I drove my car to the hotel I was staying at and cried. My mama was right Ray did do me dirty and now that we're miles apart I can think clearly. I never thought this would still get to me but it does. It still hurts. And seeing my mama like that just opened up another wound that I thought had healed. I never wanted to see her that way and now she's with my daddy again and on drugs, how low could she get? I know I have to get her away from him and away from Lake View, that's the only way to save her.