I sit by myself at the kitchen table, tapping my finger to fill the silence. This is killing me. I wanna call Miguel- maybe sneak over and see how's he's doing. But being by myself is killing me either way. I finished the pancakes and bacon but my dirty plate remains at the table with me sitting beside it, staring at it in silence- thinking about life.
I'm a big mess right now and the span of time between my stability and now is unrealistic. It's quite pathetic- painful so, actually. I stand up and put dishes in the dishwasher and go upstairs. The upstairs to this house is quite similar to the Coriño family's except there are figures of Our Lady of Fatima along with the witness Jacinta, Lucia and Francisco. I look around and try to find the spare bedroom. I walk down the short hallway and see old photos with people forgotten to time other than the existence here. There's one opened door and I slowly walk inside. Inside, there's a simple queen size bed and a nightstand with a stain glass lamp on it. It's the same like the other room with the religious decor. Walls mounts of The Virgin Mary and Jesus, an angel figure on the night stand and the Holy Spirit dove sewn into a velvet cushion.
There's a little note on the bed written on yellow lined paper. I pick it up and begin to read it.
*Callie, I've prepared your bed for you and there's room in the wardrobe for your clothes. Stay as long as you'd like. You don't have to do a thing*
Short and sweet, leave 'em yearning for me, I think to myself. I don't know if I have trust in her ability to write in English, but I'm proud that she tried. I move the note on the nightstand and think of where to unpack everything.
———
It doesn't take me to unpack everything. Ironically, the only thing I forgot to pack before I left was other pijamas. I sit on the bed and plug my phone into the charger and it turns on. Once it turns on, I immediately go into the messages app and see if I've received any new notifications.
None.
None at all.
Not one, not two, not three- zero.
I don't know how I feel about it to be honest.
I put my phone down and lay in bed. It's better than the air mattress, but not a good as Miguel's bed. I look up at the ceiling and watch the fan blow in the gentle breeze of the opened window. I don't know why I do this to myself. It's like I like the pain. It's like I like the chaos. In a way, I suppose, I do like it. Chaos is all I've ever known, be it fighting with my siblings over stupid things, or in school, have drama with my friends and then being friends again. Weird, isn't it? People say they hate something that they know they can't live without. It's a blessing and a curse.
It's actually quite annoying how often I find myself in shitty situations. I don't want to be the punching bag for everyone anymore. If I want to go talk to Miguel, I have to power to do so, but I don't. I'm calling her bluff and holding on because she thinks I can't live without her family's support. She thought I would kiss her ass, she must ain't took her meds.
I chuckle at the thought of her begging for my forgiveness. It's satisfying.
I don't want to be mad at Miguel but part of me is putting the pieces together and noticing that ever since he came into my life everything has gotten worse. But him just being there helps me feel better. I don't know what to feel anymore.
Maybe being a sociopath is better than this. I would be in this mess if I didn't have any feelings to feel. Maybe that's make things easier, I'd only see the way forward instead of the heavy emotional baggage that I've carried all my life. Yet again, you'd never be happy, just plain. Just nothing. Nothing. No-thing. How's nothing, something? You wouldn't feel love or desire. But you'd never crave it, and if I'd never known the feeling, what's so bad about losing it?
"God," I say out loud to the ceiling fan that's spins gently, "I'm sorry for putting myself into this mess. I don't know how to get out of it." Part of me wanted an apology for this ridiculousness but the only person who should be apologizing is me. I need to fly a fucking kite. "Being miserable about things doesn't help, and I've learned that,"
"Have you, Callie?" I hear a voice inside my head.
"Yes," I assure.
"Are you assuring me, or yourself?" It asks.
"Are you God?" I ask it, avoiding the question.
"To a point, yes." It says.
"You're not making sense." I tell it.
"I'm your conscious in the from of god," it explains.
"So..." I say with a question inflection.
"I'm god, but I'm in your head."
"Oh," I nod.
"Are you assuring me, or yourself?" He asks.
"Me," I sigh, "but-"
"But you know that it doesn't help but so still do," he's finishes.
"Yeah."
"Why do still do it?" He asks.
"I don't know," I say honestly, "out of instinct, maybe."
"You're scared of your problems," he says, "you're pretty much a pussycat."
"What?" I ask.
"You heard right, if you're gonna stick to the act of being a rock against the sea, you gotta learn to act like it." He commands.
"Okay," I nod determinedly.
"Go, be a good and faithful servant and I will reward you." He says.
"Okay," I get up from the bed and jump up and down.
"Goodbye Callie," he says.
"Wait, I have a question! When will I talk to you again?"
"Whenever you lace your hands and say my name," he says.
"Why do you sound like Steve Harvey?"
"I don't know, this is you imaging how I sound." He says and chuckles.
"Okay!" I say confidently and leave my room.
———
Shorter chapter today guys, and I just realized I haven't said hi in a bit.
Well I'm really excited for school to be done and then I can finally breathe easily... for like two months. (Someone help me 😭)
Well anyways, guess what I just did... 8 finals 😎
I know, nasa can't get out of my dms.
Té-logo,
Vinny
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You Moved In
RomanceA new neighbor moves in and leaves Callie with so many questions. Why in this small town? Why here out of so many places? Callie is in the Twelfth grade and has every stressor placed onto her shoulders. Struggling to hold to the weight of being a t...
