My Life: Congrats, You Lost Me

Chapter 10 - Secrets Will Find a Way

***July 19th***

"Allan, Jessie," said Eliza. "I fixed some bacon if you want some. Come and get it whenever you like." Allan looks over at me and rolls off of the other side of the bed, onto the floor. I laugh and pull myself into my chair, my side not hurting near as bad as it had been.

"Come on Allan, there's food calling our name," I say as he pulls himself off the floor and onto his feet. We were both still in yesterday's clothes since neither of us wanted to move after court last night. Once the door swings open the smell of breakfast hit me and it smelled so much better than what I had for the past few weeks. I pick up a piece of bacon and some toast and slide into a chair next to Allan. I look over at a sleepy looking Becca and say. "Morning Becks, aren't you just so glad school's starting in 3 weeks?"

She groans in response and sits down at the table, taking the plate Eliza had set out for her. "Yeah," Allan said. "Same here Beck." Rebecca takes her food and carries it into her room, shutting the door behind her.

"So Allan, I've been wanting to tell you something since I got back."

"Oh, no. The last time you said something like that you ran off that night."

"No, no, no, I'm not leaving you this time. I just, I earned quite a bit of money while I was away. I wanted to tell you what happened while I was gone. What I did. I'm not proud of it, but-"

"Stop it Jess, I know, you worked in a strip club serving drinks just like before. I'm sure that some of that money came from some guys who thought you were entertainment. It's exactly what you did before you left. That's why you didn't want to tell Becca."

"Well, not exactly like that. I actually was the entertainment. I had to get up on those dumb stages and dance around in things worse than I'd wear around my own house alone. I had to give 20% to my boss, the only reason I was able to keep that much was because I threatened to tell him that he was hiring minors to work there."

"I can't believe this. How could you stand to get up there and do that to yourself?"

"I couldn't. I did exactly what I did before and took up a new name, new me. My name was Roxy, and I was doing exactly what I always wanted to do, and exactly what I would do for the rest of my life. I was goddamn proud of myself while I was up there. I wasn't Jessamine when I stepped into that club. I was Roxy, and I was not ashamed until I left and I was Jessamine again. I did this so I could be out of your hair sooner and take Becca somewhere better, far, far away from where we grew up."

He looked stunned. He stood up and left his plate on the table, shoving his chair back and storming into his room. I slid back into my wheelchair and left my plate. I was no longer hungry, or tired, or happy that I wasn't in prison. All I wanted now was to hide away somewhere and stay there. Away from everyone and everything so I couldn't hurt anybody else.

I hurried into my room and wrapped myself in the thick covers. I buried my head in the pillow and just cried. It had been so long since something happened that made me cry like this. I always tried so hard to hide things. I never cried, just bottled it up until it was gone. The only times I remember crying like this were when dad died or when I lost my leg. I thought about everything again and again, every horrible thing I had ever done.

My thoughts were only broken when I heard a light knock on the door. It opened a little bit and in comes Becca. She looked so much more grown up. "Jessie? Jessie, what's wrong?" It was her birthday in 2 weeks, and she's usually so excited about it.

"Nothing sweetie, just a little confused. Don't worry about me, Becks. I'll be perfectly fine. I just need some time to get adjusted again." I give her a light hug and she walks slowly back out of the room.

Moments later the door swings open again, this time it's Allan, Becca in front of him, pulling him by his hand. "See, Allan? She's sad. Make her feel better," said Becca.

"Jess, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I just-"

"Stop, Allan, I know what you meant. You overreacted about it and I don't care. I just wish I could just do something and you actually be happy for me about it, instead of only getting upset when I do something dumb."

"I know, Jess, I fucked up, but I hate seeing you like this. If I could do anything to make it stop, I would. You should know that."

"Then just don't leave me. You promised me that last night, remember? No matter what, that's what you said right?"

"Yes, and I mean it, you just have to talk to me sometimes, okay?"

"Yeah, sure, just please come over here." I roll out of the covers and sit on the foot of my bed, my leg dangling, brushing up against the soft carpet. I'm not sure when but at some point during our conversation, Becca had left the room. She's probably off playing one of her little games with Eliza. Allan sits down next to me and brushes a strand of my knotted hair off the side of my face. I lean onto him and put my head on his shoulder, his arm wrapped around me.

We sit in silence for several minutes before we both lay back against the pillows behind us. Allan pulls me closer and holds my head into the dip of his collarbone. Without thinking I open my mouth and whisper, "Allan?"

"Yeah Jessie?"

"I think I love you." He's silent for what feels like forever and my mind starts racing. What the hell was that? Why did I even open my mouth. This is horrible. I'm such a-

He cuts off all my thoughts when he sits up and stares at me, in complete silence. He looks just as stunned as he did this morning, except there's something different about it. I sit up and scoot up to the headboard of the bed, wrapping back up in the blankets.

"Allan," I mumble. "I- I, um, I wasn't, uh, I wasn't thinking, w-when I said that." He shakes his head and lets out a slight laugh as I trip over my own words. He moves to my side and holds the sides of my head.

He pulls me up against him and presses his lips to mine. I wrap my hands around his sides, pulling him closer to me. Allan moves his shaky hands down my shoulders and up my back. He kisses my neck lightly before I start to move away slightly. Images of those drunk guys and Lindsey, drinking her booze and laughing, flash in front of me and I pull away from him nervously.

"Oh shit, I'm so, so, sorry Jessie. I know I was so sudden, I just thought."

"No, no, you didn't think. Nobody ever thinks about these kinds of things. Except me, and I know that I just can't." I look away from his bright eyes and trace the patterns on the blankets with my eyes. I can feel him staring at me so I wrap up in the blankets, even more so than before. I feel his weight shift as he stands up off of the bed without a word, and leaving the room in silence. "I'm so sorry daddy," I whisper to myself. "I know you think I'm just like mom, but I'm not. I'm so sorry."