My Life: Congrats, You Lost Me

Chapter 27 - Bright Lights and Locked Doors

****August 31st****

As I turned around the corner and I was out of Justin's sight I broke out into a run. I could feel people's eyes on me as I went back into the musty janitor's closet I hid in for my first week of school. The janitor, whose name I never learned, looked at me with sad eyes as he walked out of the room. 

I bet you enjoyed it. Selling yourself. Sister. Dead. 

I collapse as it all hits me like a wall. Becca is really gone. Everybody thinks I'm some slut who didn't care that she was dying. I have no family left. I've really lost everything.

"Jessie," I voice says, snapping me out of my daze. I look up from the floor and see Justin standing in front of the now closed door. I had tears running down my face and he had the notes crumpled in his hand. I must have missed the bin or something... 

I stare up at him blankly, wrapping my arms around my knees.

"Jessie," he repeats, popping his knees as he moves down onto them to sit next to me. "I'm so sorry, Jessie." His face was filled with worry, his eyes filled with something I couldn't figure out. "I shouldn't have let you read them. I just thought-"

"Leave me alone," I snap, cutting him off. "I just want to be alone. I've been through this before, I don't need anybody's pity." I narrow my eyes and he looks at me sadly.

"I'm not going to leave you in here in tears. I'm not that cruel, Jessie," Justin says, his voice shaking. 

"I don't want your damn pity. You may not be cruel, but I just don't want you here. Is that too much to fucking ask of you? To leave me alone?" I turn away from him again and I hear the door creak open, slowly. I hear his footsteps walking out of the closet and the door shutting once again. 

I don't lift my head to look at him, I just stare down at the tiles on the floor. I hear the warning bell ring, prompting a horde of footsteps to trample past. I watch figures play past the window of the door. 

Nobody should have to care if I'm upset or anything. It's not like anybody should care about me anyway. I'm exactly what everybody always said. I'm just some attention-whore. I'm just like her, my mother. I'm a slut. Everybody thinks I should kill myself anyway. What's wrong with the idea? I'll just be soaring with Becca, mom, and dad again. I'll be happy. I wouldn't have to plaster a smile on my face any longer. 

I'll be happy.

I pull my head up and look over at the shelf of supplies. Buckets and rags sit on one of them, another is full of bottles like bleach, the last has tools and other things such as hammers, scissors, knives, and screwdrivers. There were mops and brooms leaning against the wall I sat against. 

I climb shakily onto my feet and walk over to the shelves. I reach for the shelf of tools and pick up one of the knives. I sit back down against the wall again and stare at my hands.

"I'll be with you soon, Becks," I whisper. I press the knife against my wrist and feel my stomach rise in my throat as the blade pierces the soft skin. Blood bubbles to the surface and I lift the knife again, pressing it into a new spot. "We'll be a family again, me, you, mom, and dad," I whisper.

 I let out a slight whimper as the pain from the newly opened wounds shoots up my arm. Blood pours down my arm and onto my hand. I bite my lip to keep myself quiet. I hear a banging on the door and it is pushed open. It was a dark skinned man and a more fair skinned woman who had came into the closet. 

"Call 9-1-1," the man says. The woman hurries into the hallway and I hear her pressing buttons. "Jessie, I need you to look at me." I turn my fuzzy eyes up to him. "Don't you let go, hold on, please, just for a few minutes. You're going to be alright. It'll be alright Jessie."