My Life: Congrats, You Lost Me

Chapter 33 - Not a Fairy Tale

****September 18th****

As I sat in the little chair in the library and looked up at Mrs. Song, I saw a glimmer of sadness in her eyes as she spoke. "Are you sure you want to hear my story?"

I nodded and she let out a sigh. "Promise me one thing then," she said. I raised an eyebrow and she continued. "Don't make me look bad in your book." 

"I promise."

"Good, lets get started then." She smiles softly, looking down at me. "I was born in the fall of 1942 as Penelope Kar..."

She spoke of the times she would go out dancing with her friends on Friday nights; Her heartbreaks throughout her middle and high school times; Her love of writing. 

"But my fascination with writing was shut down by most of my class. They laughed at me for being more interested in books than in boys, although I really fancied one," she smiled as she thought about it. "His name was Joseph, oh I'll tell you, he's magnificent. He had light, auburn hair and the prettiest blue eyes. I never lost my eye for him though, not after all these years. Sure I fancied other people, but something about him, I never lost.

"We were good friends, him and I, for quite some time; almost 10 years, in fact. I believe I was about 23 at the time. I had met him in grade 8. He fancied me, but I was so damn clueless that I just went off and- never mind... We were actually the best of friends for several years. He watched me go through a few break ups, he watched me as I struggled to keep myself together when I was lost as to who I wanted to be.

"He was to me like Allan is to you, my dear," she said smiling. "I've seen the way he looks at you when you look away. You just never can. My dear Joseph and I started going steady after that long, long time, and after about 3 months we were engaged. We were married that summer. 

"We weren't all too into the idea of traveling or having any big, extravagant wedding. So we got married in a small church just down the street, the same church we both went to growing up. It was beautiful. There was dancing, games, music- I had never been so happy. 

"We ran off together and got our own apartment where we lived for several years. I would sit in the bay window and look out and think, or just sit there and watch as cars went down the street. I was pregnant, after 2 years of trying, and we were so excited.

Although the memory seemed like something to be very happy about, Mrs. Song appeared to have started to cry. "We prepared a nursery, covered with all sorts of toys and blankets, everything. I went into labor after only 35 weeks. It was a small, baby boy. His name was Raymond." I let in a breath as I heard the name; It was my father's. There was a catch in her throat but she continued softly.

"We took him home, only to find that our apartment building had burned down. All of our belongings had been destroyed as one of our neighbors had started a fire. We had left most of our money in our savings that we kept under our bed. We were going to send Ray to school with them.

"We had to move in with my mother, who helped us take care of Raymond. As he grew up, we found ourselves faced with many problems. Joseph and I were sadly separated when Raymond was 14, when Joseph died of the same type of stomach cancer your father, and your sister had. My mother took Raymond and sent me off to let myself build back up again before she would let me see him again. 

"I was a wreck. I tried to kill myself, I'm not going to lie. I was put into a mental hospital for what seemed like ages. I thought I'd never be let out of that place. But eventually I was deemed fit for release. I found out that it had been 6 years. Raymond had already moved out and found a place with his girlfriend.

"I went to see him and, my God how he had grown. He still had his father's light auburn hair and the same blue eyes. He looked stunning, now 20 years old. Meanwhile my hair had paled and I looked ill due to my treatment at the hospital. My little boy was all grown up, and I had missed it all. 

"He met me for the first time since the death of my dear Joseph, and he pushed me away. He said I wasn't the mother he remembered; He said I had changed. My mother and Ray were still very close, though, so I would get updates from her as to how he was doing.

"I rebuilt my life and got this job as a librarian at the age of 41. I've been here since then. I heard that Ray had had two daughters since I had last checked in. One who was 6 and another who was a newborn. I always thought about what it would've been like if I could've checked in throughout those years. If I could've met my granddaughters."

"Why didn't you try?"

"I did, he said I was a bad influence and pushed me away. Not long after, though he died of cancer. The same that Joseph had. I mourned him for ages and could hardly get over such a loss. No parent should have to bury their child, but I did. I buried him in the plot that was saved for me, right next to Joseph." She was sobbing silently now, but she choked them down and tried to continue.

"After several years, I was working here and a lovely girl would come in every morning and sit to talk with me. Her name was Jessamine. She spoke of her mother. She told me about her father, Raymond. She described him to me, and showed me a picture once. It was him. Her father, was my little Ray. And she was my little granddaughter." I felt my mouth drop open as I stared. 

"You're my- my grandmother?"

Mrs. Song nods slightly as she looks at me sadly. 

"Why did you never tell me?"

"I couldn't. I didn't know how. I didn't know how to tell you I had left your father. I didn't know how to say that it was my fault you ended up with such a wretch for a mother. I couldn't help, I just had to sit and listen. You told me about Becca, and I had to stay stronger. A grandmother shouldn't cry in front of her babies." She wipes her eyes and looks down at her wrinkled hands.

"If-if Joseph passed, why do you still call yourself Mrs. Song? Why not Ms. Kar? I know that that's something some people do. If anything why do you still talk as though you're married?"

"Because I am. I am still married to my dear Joseph, even if he is gone. I'll be with him even after death do us part, for there was so much more between us than some silly words. Now listen my child," she says. "And listen well. You call me if you ever need anything." She scrawls some numbers on a piece of paper and hands it to me gently. "You should get going now, you have a big day ahead of you."

"But Mrs. Song-"

"Go, I'll see you soon, my dear Jessamine."