folklore; conrad fisher

23: my sweet girl

If Susannah's death wasn't enough, ending my friendship with Steven was the final blow to an awful year.

He was my person. He'd always been by my side, even from across the country. But now, every presence of him in my life was gone. He'd unfollowed me on all of his socials, even Spotify, and never texted or called me the way he used to. It crushed me. I didn't know who I was without him. My whole life it had been Steven and I. It was worse than a romantic breakup. It was a feeling I could barely describe; something so numbing yet mentally shattering all at once.

The last month of school felt like a blur. I graduated in May, and Belly was the only one who called.

Before the ceremony my mom handed me a small envelope. I opened it up to find a small, handwritten letter. It was from Susannah. I knew it from the moment I'd read the opening words.

My sweet girl,

Today is your big day. Congratulations on your graduation. There is no doubt in my mind that this is just the first step in a very long and successful life you are sure to lead. I wish more than anything that I could be there to see you today, in your cap and gown. I know you are destined to do great things. You're growing up, you're changing the world.

Love,

Susannah

It was a hard read. I could barely contain myself as I got through it. She'd left a couple hundred dollars in cash inside of the card, but it was nothing compared to the words written in front of me. I could hear her soft voice speaking to me, telling me all of these wonderful things. When they came from her, I could almost believe them.

My mom noticed me crying as I set the letter down. She'd been on my case since her death, begging for me to confide in her. I wanted to, but I felt like a burden by doing so. For once in her life, things were going so well. I didn't want to cast more darkness on her, but my mental state was worsening by the day, and it was getting hard for anyone to ignore.

Even Cole, who'd grown distant from me because of it. Or maybe I'd grown distant from him.

At graduation we took a photo together, but nothing more. We were still technically boyfriend and girlfriend, but it didn't feel that way anymore. Nothing felt the same after the funeral.

My mom, grandparents, and Leo took me to a fancy Mexican restaurant for dinner that night. During the meal, Leo announced that he'd taken a job as a professor at Wesleyan University over the Summer.

My mother grinned at me, "But there's even more good news, I've decided that we'll move in with Leo to spend Summer in Connecticut! You'll only be a couple of hours driving away from your friends, and you're welcome to visit them for as long as you'd like."

I was visibly shocked by this news, which was not the reaction neither my mom or Leo was expecting. She didn't know about my fallout with pretty much everyone from Cousin's, and how even Laurel despised me. The last thing any of us would want was another unfriendly reunion. But I knew my mother's intentions were pure, so I tried to force a smile.

"Wow, mom. That's great."

"Isn't it?" She beamed, "Wesleyan is covering Leo's housing, so we'll be staying in a really nice apartment over there. I know it will be good for all of you to get together after such a hard time with Susannah's passing. I'm so glad we could make this work."

I nodded along with her, but every word she was saying was just another jab at my chest.

"And in August, we'll go off to Europe for a week––the three of us, just like I promised last year."

That was probably the best news she'd delivered that dinner, and I had a genuinely positive reaction to it. To be honest, a Connecticut Summer couldn't be that awful. It would be a nice change of scenery from L.A. Nobody was forcing me to go to Cousin's, after all.

Would any of them be going to Cousin's?

The thought had only reached me just then. Now that Susannah was gone, surely Cousin's Summers were over. I choked on my food a bit as the realization hit me. I knew there was no going back, regardless. Not after everything that had happened between me and the family. Still, for it to be permanently over felt absolutely unreal.

"Are you okay?" Leo asked, noticing my strange state.

"Mhm." I replied.

I spent the rest of dinner trying to ignore the thoughts circling around my head, and as soon as I got home, I ran to my room and cried for hours. The sadness was too overwhelming and I couldn't take it anymore. A week from now I'd be an hour away from the place I used to love most. If I'd only known that I'd lose it forever, I would've held onto it tighter, and soaked in every moment over and over again in an infinite circle.

The following afternoon, my phone chimed as I was shopping for Summer clothes with my grandma. It was a video from Belly of Steven's graduation speech, with the message: he won't say it, but I know he wanted you to be there. we both miss you <3

I saved the video onto my phone to watch whenever I had the chance. I figured I'd also tell Belly that I was in the area in case she ever wanted to meet up. If anything, she was the person I wanted to see most this Summer. I was hoping we could find time throughout the months to drive over to each other's places.

A week later, I was on my way to Connecticut. I watched us pass small town houses as we drove in Leo's rental car to his on-campus living facility. We pulled into the staff parking lot and took our luggages out of the trunk, while Leo untied some baggage from the top of the car. We hauled our things inside and crammed ourselves into a tiny elevator. Leo pressed the button to lead us to the 6th floor, where we'd be staying for the Summer.

The professor's living arrangement wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We were placed in a newly renovated dorm building, in a room at the very end of the hallway. Even though it was a student housing building, the room looked far different from a typical college dorm. It was fully furnished with large windows around the area, with an open living room and T.V., a modern kitchen, and two bedrooms with full beds and new, white sheets. It was basically a high rise apartment hidden between student dormitories. I couldn't believe Leo was able to live here for free as a professor.

I was glad I'd be getting my own room as well, and that it was on the opposite side of the apartment from Mom and Leo's room. The last thing I wanted was to learn that the walls were thin the hard way.

Jumping onto my new bed, I quickly remembered that I had yet to watch the video Belly had sent me. I scrolled up on our chats and pressed play on the vertical image of Steven, standing in front of a podium and decked out in cords. I listened to his inspiring words as he gave his Valedictorian speech. Of course he'd be the top student in his grade. Steven was always the best at what he did. Even though we weren't on speaking terms, I couldn't help but be incredibly proud of him as he said his closing words:

"There are times that it feels like the world is happening to you, but remember that you are also happening to the world––so don't wait. Make what you want happen, because tomorrow isn't promised, so you better make fucking sure that you are living today.

Belly cut off the video afterwards, but I could imagine the roar of applause that Steven received. It was a Steven speech for sure, cursing and all. It was perfect, and I'd carry that advice he gave his peers with me as well.

I should've gone to text Cole afterwards, to let him know that I'd finally arrived at the new place. Instead, I found myself reaching for Steven's contact. This was my sign that it was time to make amends. His speech made it clear to me that he really was the best person I knew, and that I was lucky to be his friend. I wasn't going to let somebody like that out of my life without a fight. I sent him a text telling him how proud I was, and that I hoped we could chat whenever he was ready. My phone immediately rang, and I felt happier than ever to know that Steven wanted to fix our friendship too.

Except, as I opened the call, I realized it was Belly who was trying to reach me.

"Have you heard from Conrad?" She asked, her voice sounding frantic.

"No. What's wrong?"

"I just got off the phone with Jeremiah," She choked, "Conrad is missing."