folklore; conrad fisher

35: epiphany

I was embraced by the heat of the bright sun hitting me as I exited my car. 45 minutes later I was finally home from Stanford. It was cloudy when I left, but now the air was warm and the sky was clear, as if Summer had come early for a day. Even though I'd woken up early at Conrad's, I felt well-rested. Perhaps it would be nice to drive up to San Francisco with Angelika if she wasn't too busy. All I knew was that the sunshine and my happy attitude had all of the makings to be a good day.

When I went into Angelika's room, I noticed she was still fast asleep. I guess that meant my San Francisco idea would have to wait, but I didn't let it ruin my mood. I got all dressed for the day, putting on a light yellow cardigan and white mini-skirt, with some old Manolo Blahnik mules my mother passed down to me.

I drove into the city to grab a coffee. I got it iced, enjoying it at a nearby park. I watched a group of young children play together, as their mothers gossiped at a bench, their empty strollers in front of them.

I wondered how Conrad was getting on during his first day at work. I tried not to ruminate on that forehead kiss for too long. It was done, it happened, it probably meant nothing. At the end of the day, a forehead kiss can ultimately be a platonic, friendly gesture.

I noticed that my drink was now noisily ratting the melting ice cubes, as I sucked up air through my straw. I went through my latte rather quickly. I tossed it in a nearby recycling bin, and passed the group of moms. They smiled at me, and I smiled back. Maybe they were recollecting memories of their own youth and independence as they saw me. A young woman in her early twenties, likely a college student, with her whole life ahead of her. They were once that, too, but they didn't seem bitter about being in their position. It was a silent acknowledgement of what they once had, that didn't erase the gratitude for the lives they had now. Or maybe they were just being polite, and I was overthinking.

That was the thing about anxiety, it kind of wired my brain to give even the smallest interactions waves of thought and pondering afterwards. I'd managed to tame it as I got older. I hadn't had a panic attack since high school. I was in therapy now, I even connected Conrad with my therapist as well. Ultimately, life felt less stressful now. Even between hordes of work and impending deadlines, I never flickered. I breathed in and out, and let my worries go. I hoped to never have a panic attack again.

I got a text from Steven that day, asking when I'd be landing for the dedication. I was taking a red-eye, since it was the only flight I could afford. I told him I was arriving very early in the morning, and he eagerly offered to pick me up. It would be the first time we saw each other in years.

I hadn't received much time to visit Cousin's again since the Summer before college. That was Leo's only year working at Wesleyan, the rest of our Summers were spent in LA. Steven half-heartedly promised to visit Berkeley all of the time, to see Conrad and I, but he never did. I didn't blame him, he'd been studying so hard the past few years to graduate, and now that he was in the workforce, he was absolutely swamped with things to do all of the time.

He was making good money, too. He was able to put a deposit in for a new BMW, and was growing a collection of designer suits for work.

I decided I'd call him later today, and catch up a bit. I found myself randomly missing him, thinking that a nice day like this would've been fun to spend together. We hadn't even gotten the chance to go to a bar or happy hour together since we turned 21. I was glad that we'd have time in Cousin's to hang out, at the very least.

The rest of my day was spent at a nearby mall, where I picked up my stole, and then splurged on some makeup to replace items I was running out of. I had a lot saved from my internships these past three Summers. I was planning on using it to pay off grad school one day, but once I got my paid grant, I realized I had a lot more freedom to spend it.