SEVENTEEN

Chapter 24

Enjoy fetus Hansol I think your gonna need it after this chapter :(

* warning right here I cried during the writing process of this *

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Joshua's POV

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I tried to strum the strings but I kept on flinging them and missing, yeah of course I tried a thousand times and all I came out with was a few broken chords and the members glaring at me with worried faces. I knew they knew what happened, they eventually figured out when I came to the studio. It was just so stupid of me, I should of never told her to make her worry and cry. Seeing her cry hurt like hell the fact that I made her cry. I made her cry. I kept on replaying the memory in my head which was pounding too hard where it came to the point where I'm pretty sure everyone could hear it.

I gave up and threw my hands in the air giving everyone's attention towards me why was this so hard for me. She and I knew it was gonna happen soon enough, why did I have to just tell her. This wouldn't have happened I would of probably be be holding her right now her hand laced in my hand. Getting that warm feeling I always remember and love. I was so confused in our relationship, one day we're confess about loving each other and then another day I lost her and that was my own fault. This would of never happened if I didn't tell her, she wouldn't have been hurt she wouldn't have cried. The thing that stung was that I watched her cry, tears falling down her skin in front me, I saw it with my own eyes and it was my own fault.

"I hate myself." I mumbled while setting the guitar back on its stand and tried to avoid contact with any of the members which had worried faces. I don't care if I was drenched with sweat from practice and I don't care if my face was just covered with tiredness. I need to get on my feet again, I walked out the door I don't know where I was heading but I guess I'll just go with it.

I shoved my hands in my pockets while dragging my feet along with me, I felt like crying but I just couldn't force tears to come out of my eyes. I glanced at all the people walking past me with concerned faces, I ignored them thinking I was like a hobo or something. Eventually I found myself walking slower, I lifted my face a little bit letting the sun shine on my face, I squinted my eyes which felt like shutting any moment. I give up on this, I leaned my head back down not letting anything stopping me.

Everywhere I look I can just remember everything I did with her, I haven't felt like this since Ye-Rim but it was her fault that time living me alone to rot but this time it was my own fault. I've known Ye-Rim for almost all of my life but still she used my trust. And how long have I known her I met her in a cafe my freaking friend worked in to earn extra cash for. I hated her in the beginning I was not gonna even interact with her in the first place because I knew this girl I wasn't gonna have a future with anytime soon. But now thinking about it just stung badly remembering that I said with my own voice and I looked in her eyes that would make me melt and I told her I loved her. What am I supposed to do without her, she made me happy she made everyone happy. Come to think of it I haven't been this happy about loving someone so much, she has changed everything and I fucked it up.

My nose smelt the faint air of rice cakes. Rice cakes. That was the same day I asked her out, the day I realized that this could happen between us. I glared at the shop, I couldn't see the lady there behind the counter smiling at us two picking out a dozen cakes for each other, I couldn't see the tray in the corner with all the colorful and fun cakes I just saw a stand of white ones. I saw with my own eyes that a young girl and her mother came out from the counter. I could see the little girl crying and tugging her moms apron she had while carrying a tray of sloppy made cakes, I saw her slam the tray down and wipe her forehead sweat. Once the little girl glared at me I instantly ran, my knees were skipping on the sidewalk shoving everyone out of my way. I continued straight ahead, honestly I don't know where but it was somewhere I can vent.

My chest panted taking big breaths of air, it hurt to run right after a practice with all my muscles sore and everything tired. They finally came, my tears finally came out thank god. I flinched my eyes while turning into the street, I know I should of stopped but I just couldn't. I wanted everything to just go away because every time I saw something it just reminded of her whether it was something pink then I saw myself playing with the ends of her hair like I always do. If I saw a couple on the street I would just remember everything that we did together. And even if I saw a pair of lips it burned my head just thinking about the taste of her lips. I couldn't handle anything.

I heard a car screech in front of me, I was walking in the middle of the road and didn't realize it. Every Time I took a step it would be another screech and honk for me to get off the street. I winced my eyes from crying even harder, I brought my legs up and ran off the road. I sniffles while bathing my breath and once I looked up I couldn't stop any tears from stoping. It was the freaking park the same exact park we went to on our official first date. I covered my face with my hands trying to avoid everyone's attention around me.

Is this how it's gonna be now? My body sulking around almost even getting run over by a car. I didn't want it to be like this, I miss her even though it's been a while since I've seen her I just couldn't find myself staying away from her, forgetting beautiful thing that happened with her, forgetting every beautiful, terrific, amazing thing with her. Why did this have to happen why did I tell her, I should of never told her and just continued having whatever we had. I felt like just quitting every thing I didn't want to go near her, I didn't want to go near the dorm and I especially didn't wanted to go into the companies building. It's like we were just building everything up and it just came down so quickly.

"Jisoo." I heard a girl's voice behind me, and it definitely wasn't the voice I wanted to hear. I turned around revealing my bare face all red with tears and the dark circles I got from staying up instead of sleeping thinking about the situation. It was Ye-Rim. She isn't the person I need right now. I trailed my eyes on her face sweating in what it looks like her work out clothes, with her now I guess hazel brown hair.

"I know what happened, and I just wanted to say that I did it before you had to do it. I'm doing you a favor." Her words hit me hard. She was the one, she was the one who told our manger and the company. That me and her were a thing she did this. Does she know how much pain I've had because of her, I should of known she was the only one who knew besides the members and I know for sure the members wouldn't say a word. I stared at her filling my eyes with tears, I couldn't stand this.

I needed to get away from this place I don't want to be near the person who made this all happen, who just violently threw my life in a trash can the second time. She broke my heart one time Ye-Rim she doesn't need to do it again. Why was this a tragedy.

Life is a tragedy. I said to myself while falling forward I covered Ye-Rim's back with my tears her holding me up. I couldn't bring myself up my hoodie went down my head and left my hair flat down.

I miss her.

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I literally just cried okay this so what seventeen does to me. It made me cry because all I wish for them is to stay happy and healthy and writing this was not all about those things, CRI.

-tammy